Last night in Grantham

Wow our room is so bare... it is lonely and beige and ugly. Goodbye, B19, you were good to me... you were home.

FYI- the times that show up as when I wrote my posts are like, 4 hours off. So just add four hours to the time when you see them. I only say this because sometimes I want the time to add effect to what I'm writing... and I can't seem to fix it. You used to be able to control on the bottom of what you were writing what time it said. Not anymore. Just thought you should know.

As soon as my Social Research paper is finished, I will most likely be turning my computer off and packing it into the car. So this will be my last post in Grantham for a long time... I'll try and update over Christmas break, and then I will be in Philadelphia. Oh man... what did I get myself into?

i should be sleeping

48 hours and I'll be home. Less than that, in fact. It's so crazy... I don't even know where this semester went. Lots of people say that, but I mean it completely and totally. It flew. I don't even want to imagine what saying goodbye is going to be like...yeah, I know I'll see them again, but it's not the same. It's just not and saying it will be doesn't make it different, so don't try.
I'm not sure what to make of myself right now. I'm sort of a jumble of thoughts and ideas, emotions and revelations, fears and insights, doubts and insecurity. I'm self confident and perpetually self concious... humble and grotesquely prideful... happy and desperately lonely... single and practically married (haha suspence)... devoted and frighteningly carefree. I feel like I am everything and anything imaginable, yet nothing of substance. What a terrible thing to try to explain. Sorry about that, haha.
Nearly 20, which also means nearly 21 if history repeats itself and this year flies too quickly as well. No more "teen"... I can't believe it. 20 sounds so old. I'm sure everyone says this. One more quick thing... I've been single forever. I get the feeling I'm nearing the end of singleness (hate the word singlehood...like it's my job or something). Being a fully functioning human, not to mention female, it has been difficult to be patient...to believe there was something better than what was in front of my face, and keeping up the hope that waiting would be better in the end. Perhaps this awareness that my odds are increasing that I will find someone soon is making me a bit frightened. I guess I always thought of a relationship and everything as being a "someday" kind of thing. I guess I'm just realizing that it might not be far away. It makes me excited, because I still want it just as much as anyone my age. At the same time...it scares me because I know that if it happens, it's actually gonna happen. Like, it's not gonna be a 2-week thing. Now, saying itll be marriage is a bit far-fetched, that is a little too much pressure at the beginning of a relationship. But after waiting this long, it's like, why would I waste time on someone I wasn't crazy about and who wasn't crazy about me? I just want it all...the flowers, the cheesy stuff, the dates, the long talks...but I want something more. I need a friend and confidant, and he hasn't found me yet. I'm excited for whats to come, but I'm scared as heck...

Peace

He is a God of peace.
Thankfully.
I love Him,
I absolutely do.

Seasons

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, of freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children’s gaze, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder,
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrended to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in mid September, and sending us inside
Still I notice you when you change begins, and I am braced for cooler winds
I will offer thanks for what has been, and what’s to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
Still I notice you when branches crack, and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me move, with every seasons change
And so it will be as you are recreating me
Summer,
Autumn,
Winter,
Spring.
Nichole Nordeman

I Still

I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.

I was too lost
to find my own way
I tried
and fell
into the depths.

A heart alone
will not survive.

Screaming in agony
excruciating knowledge
of my own wretchedness
audible was only a whisper
and no one heard.

Except
the love of the Father
heard me before
my mouth first opened
and before I realized
the love I had longed for
I was drenched
in living water.


the rod and staff
which in wrong hands
have beat me
into fearful submission
now comfort me
The arms of a Savior
cradle this lamb
I am lead in paths
of righteousness
and His name I bless.

Unrecognizable
from the torture
of the flames
my reward for obedience
I have never felt so alone
my hand reaches forward
and finds my Rescuer
amidst me in my pain
His blood of healing
His reward for obedience.

Earth shaken
stability has gone missing
with the displacement
of all that I knew
and when I feel
that I will surely
slip through the cracks
unnoticed
I find the gaps sealed
melded with the protection
of a Holy Love.

I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.

I will hold unswervingly
to the faith I profess
for He who promised
is faithful.

Faithful

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

h.o.p.e.

Father,
I'm finding it hard to hope.
A rock of burden is pressing
on my chest and weakening my resolve.
I want to trust.
I want to believe.
I want to know.
It seems like everytime
I begin to hope for
something
it is ripped out
from under me
torn from my vision
grabbed from my hands
and each disappearance
takes just a bit
of my heart.

I'm finding it hard to hope
with my dreams in shambles.
Everything I longed for
is now so far away.
My heart has been
torn out
spit on
ripped apart
stomped on
bulldozed
muddied
scraped off the streets
with remnants of
hope still visable
in the wreckage.

I'm finding it hard to hope
when I never feel good enough
pretty enough
smart enough
thin enough
worthy enough.
It's hard to think
that one day
some day
things will be different
and someone will come along
who will see me
the way you do.

Please
Prove me wrong
and teach me
to hope again.

Thanksgiving HOTness

So if you read Joanna's blog, you'll know pretty much how this past weekend was. If not, lemme fill you in. I'm thoroughly disillusioned with 99% of CT people. I called, I waited... nothin. Whatever, I guess that's what happens when you grow up. But Kay See and Tam came home with me, which was an amazingly fun time and an astounding lack of drama. Two thumbs up for uncatty and selfless girls, you're all too rare these days. On Thanksgiving, we had 2 students from China over from the University of Bridgeport. Their names were Nicole and Sasha (their American names). I totally believe God brought Kay See home with me for a reason. She was able to translate for both my family and the girls (even though they were pretty good at English, there were some words we just couldn't get), so we were able to move beyond simple conversation with them. We even played the "ungame"! Ok, it's when you answer questions on these cards... not difficult, but definetly fun.
I'm so grateful that I'm still friends with Joanna. She (and of course the Allen fam) makes CT okay. We acted like such kids this week. We colored in coloring books (with a box of 96 brand new crayons!), we watched Madagascar, we failed miserably at making a gingerbread house, drank yummy cocoa, and dressed up like I haven't dressed up in at least 10 years. It was fabulously fun.
So I am so sad that in a matter of days I will be packing up my dorm room, which has definetly become a home for me. These next months will be a constant test of my faith, because I'm going into the unknown and living in a situation that is completely foreign to me. I have to believe that this is preparing me for things to come... whatever that will mean for my life. But seriously, I will miss Tamarind like I can't even explain. I wish I could take her with me, but I know God wants her here to be there for her girls.
P.S. Might be living in Rafiki House next year, pray that everything falls into place, I am so excited for it!

Little bit o'homesickness

No poem tonight.
It's strange, I'm a little homesick right now. I wanna know what's going on. I got to talk to Kirsten for an hour today, and it made my day. I miss her. I'm sad that it took us so long to remind ourselves we love each other. I miss Dana, and I'm sad that I have no clue who her boyfriend is... I'm sad that I'm not her best friend anymore and that we have to grow up. I miss Tracy and her smile. I'm sad that she's not a little girl anymore. I miss my mom and I miss telling her everything. I miss dependency. I'm sad that it won't be long til her house is not longer my house. I miss my dad and big backbreaking hugs. I miss the scent of a man that lingers on your clothes... and the comfort of knowing it's a man who's loved you since he laid eyes on you. I'm sad that I don't put in more effort to keep him updated on my life. I even miss Jessie and being the second-favorite. I miss her running away from everyone to follow mom around, and feeling her convulse during thunder storms. I am ready to be in the Allen house.
Beth's wedding is this weekend. I'm glad I have a date, that was so much pressure on me. I don't like things where you are forced to bring someone, it's like what about the single people? Cut us a break! So let's hope the fam doesn't read too much into this bringinghomeness, but theyre cool so I'm sure they won't.
Sometimes I feel so confused about what God has for me. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to get married... maybe it's the culture I'm immersed in right now or just the large culture I was raised in that makes me feel like I have to prove myself to someone. It's not my only goal, certainly. But hey... lets be honest, it's something I want. Sometimes I kinda wish it would just happen soon cuz it always feels like I've been waiting forever. Yet waiting on God's timing, I have to believe, will ultimately be worth all the years of singlehood and lonely nights. I'm thankful for my friends and the blessing they are to me everysingleday. And jobs... gosh, people have got to stop telling me I better figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm freakin 19 years old, people! relax a bit. there you go, feel better?
I sure do.

A Rant on Culture

Dear culture,
media magazines commercials movies shows advertisements
whoever you are.
Your faces are hidden from us
but you'll put another's face
and let's be honest
body
on your product to degrade us
just a bit more.

I see bones
ribcages and elbows
that could poke my eye out.
I see makeup
cakes of mascara and foundation
quick, cover up who that girl really is.
I see hairspray
impossible feats of modern technology
I'm pretty sure hair shouldn't do that.
I see sunken eyes
some say when you don't eat
you get sick and gross.
I concur.
I see flat chests
I didn't know 12yearold boys
were in style this season.
Guess I'm not up on the trends.
I see organs
I know I shouldn't be able to
but when you weigh less than a flea
they gotta pop out somewhere.
I see legs
I think they're legs.
They're longer than my whole body
the knees knock together
but the thighs don't dare touch.
I see girls.
Bodies too old
minds too young
for this garbage heap of a society.

My God, where are the women?
What happened to
Marilyn Monroe
Jean Harlow
Katherine Hepburn
Elizabeth Taylor
Women who had curves
had bodies
not bones.
Had hips and breasts and thighs and waists
stomachs and lips and butts and grace
We need women
women
real women
what are we learning?
what are we teaching?

Who will stand
beauty in hand
be unafraid to shine
in the glow of the gift
of
a
womans
curves.

Join me on the fat side
of the media.
Size 12
is as lovely
as size 2.
I'm done.

lovely revelation

Something I love about God
is I can sit in the study room
whisper the depths of my heart to Him
leave with the burden lifted.

I love that He listened
and while my lips said "insignifigant"
He read my heart instead
He heard what I could not say.

I love that He calms me
that I feel His love around me
like swimming in the cool ocean
on the hottest of summer days.

I love that really...what is so small
but holds such implications
He understands, He weeps for me,
He places my wounded heart on his wounded hands.

I love that He wiped away
the darkness I felt
the cruel whispers that permeated the depths of me
blinded me and calloused me.

I love that He surprised me
merely asking for my heart
I am the costliest of lovers
yet intimacy is what He desired.

The study room
an interesting place to find
the Love of your life.
And a lovely surprise
to end the night
just to show me He cares.
just to show me I'm worth
the sacrifice
the cost
the fight
just to show me I'm valuable.
The sweet answer of a prayer
whispered in a closet
wrapped in something visible
my Jesus gave me the answer to my question

You are beautiful to me
You are loved by me
You are cherished by me
You are treasured and adored by me.
Let me be enough,
I am true love's form
You were worth my life
I gave it gladly
now trust me with the rest.


I love you.

call me

I don't want to be called nice.
It's too easy, too simply stated
for a girl as complex as me.
Nice is for the sidelines,
fake smile plastered to a wounded heart
a mediocre costume of femininity
that has been overlooked once again.

I don't want to be called pretty.
That's what your girl friends say
when you wear a bit of makeup
and blow your hair out just right.
It's nothing beyond the day,
the value is gone once the facade
washes down the drain.

I don't want to be called hot.
It degrades me, reduces me to body.
I'm not a spectacle, open to these
unrefined words and crude desires.
The essense of me is hidden
deep inside
and it takes more than words to draw it out.

I don't want to be called cute.
Do I resemble a puppy? A kitten? A child?
I've grown beyond the days of curled hair
pink cheeks and party dresses.
I am a woman
of depth, of wounds, of sex, of strength.

I want to be called beautiful.
Beauty is enduring
longer than a day, longer than a night together.
Beauty enchants, mesmerizes, inspires
the words of poets and the strokes of painters.
Beauty erupts from the deepest volcano
hot lava of woman spilling everywhere.

I want to be called beloved.
I want to know I'm adored
cherished and treasured.
I want to twirl in my heels
into the dancing arms of a man.
I want to dazzle with my smile,
into the captivated arms of a man.
I want to enrapture with my heart,
into the loving arms of a man.
And I want to awaken with my purity
the longing arms of a man

naked

unashamed

beloved

beautiful.

Two-Day-Old Popcorn

God is so frankin good.
I must admit, I've always struggled with feeling a sense of completion. I've always paid so much attention to the fact that I don't really know what I want to do with my life, I don't really know what's going on with my family, I don't know when the smack I'll get a boyfriend...but you know what?

WHO CARES?!?!

I've never felt so satisfied in my entire life. I think during fall break I made the connection... this thing I thought I wanted, turned out to be something I can live without. That is so huge for me! I am a whole person, I am fulfilled by my Savior. I love it love it love it! God is so faithful, AHLOVEIT!

Tonight is Rafiki Bible Study which I have missed like whoa, and then who knows for the rest of the night. I was supposed to host 2 kids from Urban Promise... but then yesterday I got an email that said they didn't need me. So I canceled plans and here I am with nothin to do, lol. Tomorrow night I'm going out with Mobile Mission from my school and I'm flipping excited! I guess it's something like the Rescue Mission, which I just miss so incredibly much. I miss the people, the horrific sweating, the community, and the rewarding feeling of knowing I had helped. Sunday I'm going to church with Nethaniel and crew in the morning, Hannah at night. Both churches are pretty cool... we'll see what happens.
Thanks people, for reading my ramblings.

my hand

Sweet Jesus, take my hand.
I've walked so many miles, I've felt so alone.

I've allowed you to walk behind me-
to catch me when I'm falling,
to yell out directions so I can choose to go,
to make sure nothing can snatch me away.

I've allowed you to walk in front of me-
ever running on my own strength, grasping and groping for just one thread of your robe, desperately trying to heal my own pain,
refusing to call out to you.

But now, oh my sweet Jesus, walk beside me.
Take my hand in yours,
guide me with your infinite knowledge and quiet humility.
Walk with me in the cool of the evening,
in the warmth of the sunshine,
in the midst of the storm,
in the quiet of the snow,
in the puddles of the rain.
Talk to me, my love, I long to know you.
I'm desperate for you...
so please, sweet Savior,
walk not behind me,
walk not before me,
but grasp my hand on this winding road of life...
for beside you, oh Lord, is where I will ever be.

Beautiful...

What do I do when I make a commitment to someone?

I make an appointment with someone,
for some unrestricted time,
sometime in his tomorrows,
and all the tomorrows that follow all his yesterdays,
tomorrows that neither one of us can predict.

I stretch myself into a future neither of us can see,
and I plan a rendez-vous there with him,
and ask him to trust me to be there.

I reach into the unpredictable times ahead
and make one thing predictable;
I will be there with him.

I throw myself into the turbulent ocean of his uncertainties
and create an island of certainty there for him,
the certainty of my caring presence.

I create one small space for him to have
when all his foundations shake,
the space of my promised presence.

These are a few of the things I do when I make a commitment.
Lewis B. Smedes, "The Making and Keeping of Commitments"

Maybe Someday...

You Belong in Rome You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better? What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Tomorrow

I had a great day today. My French test was so much easier than I thought it would be (!) and I hung out with some super fun people teaching Seida to drive. She did an awesome job!!! WOO! Made dinner but... didn't eat it. Then went to the Carribean Student Association. We talked about stereotypes and it really got me thinking about all the stupid things I do/say. Hmm...
Standing on the edge of a weekend I don't want to begin. I'm not ready to face this death and this reality. I just want normalcy and I want to feel OK.

Rainy is fitting

Please keep my family in your prayers. My cousin died this morning. I'm still in a weird mix of emotions... but I know what's coming up will not be fun.

Joyful

I'm finding myself at perhaps the happiest time in my life. I realized through talking to Hans and Tam that even though I doubted God so much, He has led me to the exact place He wanted me to be. When I remember the things I so earnestly longed for... I laugh a little and look around me. My days are filled with laughter and fellowship, amazing friendships and a total lack of loneliness. As much as I love CT, it was one of the loneliest times of my life this summer. I just felt so...distant. I hate feeling like I'm unwanted somewhere, and I never ever feel that way here.
I love not having the need to impress someone. I'm realizing more and more what a goofball I am... simply for the sake of having fun. I know God is telling me to take advantage of this point in my life. It will be so fleeting. I am seriously a crazy lady. I'll quote Andy here, "I think you're the weirdest girl I've ever met. But it's cool." Thanks, buddy.
I'm so amazingly thankful to God. There is nothing in my life I want to change. I can't wait for everything coming up in life. I LOVE MY LIFE!!! GAH.

Never

Yeah I know
I don't fit your mold.
I don't need reminders
filling the pages of my magazines.
Beauty is pain
beauty is starvation
beauty is burning

your beauty is death.

My hair has roots.
I don't ask it to be
something it's not.
My highlights pick up the sun
and the boys
and bounce relentlessly in wind
But I don't fit the mold.

My eyes are brown
earth and nature and life
breathe through
their honey richness.
They sparkle with love
and joy and peace and happiness.
But I don't fit the mold.

My lips are big
red or pink or brown or beige
a menagerie of kisses.
My teeth are small and white
glamorous pearls to adorn my mouth
my smile can send shivers up your spine.
But I don't fit the mold.

My breasts are soft hills
displaying my womanhood
wrapped in clothen sheathes
they tell a story of days to come
when they will serve
most beautiful of purposes.
But I don't fit the mold.

My hands are soft and subtle
tiny and young in size
they weave stories
with their fluid motions
and tease and caress
and guide and comfort.
But I don't fit the mold.

My waist is tiny
as it was in youth
two mere hands breadth its circumference.
It is the precipice
of my hour glassed figure
it serves as my strength.
But I don't fit the mold.

My butt is large and shapely
hard as a rock
yet soft as a whisper.
It leaves you jealous
wondering and speechless
and it ties me to those I call home.
But I don't fit the mold.

My hips sway
back and forth back and forth
the tightrope wire of walking.
I sway like branches
dancing in a summer storm
I scream femininity.
But I don't fit the mold.

My legs are powerful
short in stature
mighty in size.
I don't lend to twigs
and sticks and rods and rails
I embrace my trunks of steel.
But I don't fit the mold.

My feet are miniature
seemingly bound in size
delicately gentle and yet
the foundation of my being
the stronghold of body
meshed in two fragile beings.
But I don't fit the mold.

I know that I am beautiful.

But no matter what
I won't fit into
your cookie cutter world
of beauty.

I am my own vision
of strength and valor
and love and wisdom
and power and beauty.
I refuse to bow to
your world of confusion.

I love myself
body
mind
heart
and you will not break me.

JACK 

Jack Johnson is my lova

Jack Johnson is AMAZING!!! The concert, minus the crowd, was one of the best experiences of my life. Great music, great weather, great company. Hannah, Caitlin, Danny, Derek, thanks for an awesome time. You guys are a blast and I love ya to pieces.
So, college is fabulous. Heehee. Living with Hannah is great and our room is freakin awesome! We don't use our flourescent lights, so we just have great lights everywhere in our room.
Oh geez I wish I was better at this writing thing. I run out of things to say.

ITS SUCKS

Ok ITS is Messiah's internet service, which forced us to download a program it refuses to acknowledge we downloaded, and now we can't sign on the internet. So I am in the student union, sitting like a loser without a computer and updating my blog. I'm really annoyed. How much money do I spend to go here? Geez, get it together Messiah!
It's alot harder than I thought it would be to keep in touch with my friends. I was really spoiled living down the hall from them all year. Sigh, but I guess that's what happens. And, pretty soon we'll be spread all over the world as we go abroad or across the country, and then we'll really see what it's like to be far away. Hannah might be gone for all of junior year... and I worry what I will do about living situations if she's gone. I want to study abroad one semester next year, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to do it all year long. I want the experience, but I also want to come back and live here... oh well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Ok the boys playing pool are making lewd sexual comments and I'm becoming physically ill. So, I'm going to get this together and go where the testosterone is a little bit lower. Peace.

And back to the drama...

This is such an awful situation. It's just big fat drama and it really doesn't have anything to do with me. Whatever, I'm not gonna repeat the misery of first semester with this girl.
I LOVE MESSIAH!

LBI

We drive in like we own the island
taking over with our good genes and bad attitudes
The boys can't help but stop and stare
at our dangerous curves and heart-stopping smiles
We giggle and say "who can blame 'em"
as we sashay our way down the boulevard.

The ocean moves for us
and the sun won't leave as long as we're worshipping
Glistening like diamonds in the summer
we lie in wait for the love-rays
Salt in the air surrounds our senses
flooding with memories of childhood.

Start running down the beach to meet the sea
we collide with the water in swirling harmony
We tumble about in the pounding surf
and shout out words no one else understands
Secret messages that keep us in sync
we're one big gorgeous jellyfish.

Early morning comes and we pile into boats
we catch crabs we refuse to eat
We may not be sure why we continue
to greet the sun as it peeks over the bay
But we're sure that no family will ever
be closer, sweeter, blonder, gorgeouser. Ever.

We miss the drop-top but we'll settle for a Honda
as long as we're together
Hair done perfectly but windows down
so I say "screw it" and let it flow free
As it swirls and curls I see myself
and I look like the little girl I once was.

The years have changed us and we hardly notice
until we start to talk about times before
We remember a time when no one talked about
boys and makeup, college and careers- families of our own
We smile thinking of children who will grow up here
knowing each corner by heart as we do.

The week ends too soon
we say goodbye and return to life
For just a moment we were children yet again
we remember beauty and joy and love
Promising this year was the best by far
we count the weeks
the days
the minutes
the moments
til we forget again
remember again
laugh again
let go again
be free again

til we return to the shore again.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I guess I'm a grown up

Since I still just don't feel like having a link on my profile, you'll probably just get this if you check it to see if I've updated... which, lets just admit, is a little sad. Speaking of sad, I feel like crying. It's my last week, my last weekend, my last Sunday... I am officially not a new college student. I hate this feeling. It's the same feeling when my parents dropped me off here. Knowing it was right, but longing to cling to what I knew. Aching because all I wanted was for life to stay the same. Now I can't imagine my life without these girls. I can't imagine this first year, the transitions, the sad-tears, the laugh-tears, the 2-hours-of-sleep-cuz-we-just-can't-stop-talking, even the fights and the drama... it's my life now. And here I go again, back into more unknown territory. Unsure of what the next four months hold, wondering if I am doomed to the family room couch, left out countless times- sending me into a tearful nostalgia of last summer. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready to be the outcast again. Life here is too good, I'm too accepted and loved to go back to being the "girl who once was"... popular, cheerful, happy, secure, hopeful. Will I be stuck with pretending again? If I try to show who I am, will I just be lectured again? I have so many doubts, so many actual fears of this summer. I never thought I would be so desperate to stay in school. I just hope life won't repeat itself... I don't want the sadness I felt last summer. Thank goodness for sisters, and lets hope I'm still welcome in their lives.

Joanna got fat in college! 

GORGEOUS

Spring is inching up to fall as my favorite time of year. Flip flops and capris with a light jacket... perfection. Sitting outside for homework and then spending the whole time talking to your friends instead...simply magical. Spring, thanks for coming, I missed you.
I get to go home Thursday! Yay I miss my family. It'll be so good to see them. I can't believe I'll be done with my freshman year in literally less than a month. And I've officially been 19 for a month, which is... exciting I suppose. Now if only that one little thing would fall into place... hip hip hooray for trusting God. BUT I GUESS HE KNOWS BETTER THAN ME. I GUESS. (((wink)))

Yay for Saturday!

Hmm... not much to report. We're going shopping today for spring fling, it should be fun. The weather is so amazing... I just love it. I'm excited to see my family again next Thursday. I miss them when I'm away. I'm also really gonna miss these girls... everything will be so different next year.
It's hard to convince yourself of something you've discouraged yourself from for so long. Am I willing to put myself on the line again? I'm just not sure...

"When our heart gets broken, it makes us afraid to hope..."

Summer's almost here...

Can you believe it? I'm in such shock! Today is so gorgeous, there's no way you could keep me inside. Except for that one professor who can... cuz I have lab. Doing some kind of Vitamin C titration. Not too excited, to be honest. But life is looking up right now, though I'm not sure why. Maybe just because I've spent time outside admiring God's beautiful creation... soaking in the sun with great friends. Happy happy happy. YAY FOR SPRING!

I like good movies and I hate racism

Saw "Guess Who" tonight with Tam, Jam, Hans and Mrs. Burrows. It was pretty good, pretty funny. Not an Ashton fan, but he was pretty cute in this movie. It kinda made me think alot about racism. I mean, we think we've come so far... and then we realize just how many prejudices actually exist. I hate it and it hurts me, not because I've experienced it. It hurts because when I put my African-American (or Bahamian, or African, or if they would just like to be called black) friends in that place and picture them there, I don't think there would be an end to my fury. I would be really frightened of my own anger. I know it exists... I just hate it.

Back to school, back to school

Hmm... it's actually pretty good to be back! These girls are just so amazing and I missed them! What will I do this summer? Perhaps we'll have visitations lol. Ok, good Easter break. Little cousins were in CT, and they have so much energy! It's crazy to think that I used to be like that haha. Maybe I'll wait juuuust a bit longer to have kids, I don't quite have the patience yet! Had a 20 minute lab, it is a gorgeous day maybe I'll go outside!

Easter morning, I sat with the whole fam in church. During the music, tears started to just pour out of my eyes. I've felt so far from God, so confused by what He's doing in my life. But hearing the words and gazing at the cross just brought me this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness and incredible worth at the same time, that someone would ever love me that much. I adore Him because I am still brought to tears by the thought that He loves me.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea...

Yuck, yesterday was pretty gross too. Lab was fun though, it was so good to have Hannah back in there. We made chili pepper chips and black bean dip, which were really good and everybody liked! But then we also made a strawberry and banana smoothie with tofu... which did not go over as well. Although the cool people liked it.
Do you ever learn about things that you wish with all your heart you had never known? I am keeping so many secrets right now... how long until secrets eat you alive? I can't tell anyone anything and I didn't even ask to be told. The perfect little world I thought I knew has proven to be anything but. I know God will bring me through this time and show me the other side...I guess faith will carry me to that place.
Today has been a blur of classes and The Italian Job. Dinner soon... Larson tonight. Excited to go home. I kinda just want to be at peace...

Mixed Feelings

This weekend has brought alot of mixed feelings from me. I have so much to write about and I hope I don't leave anything out. I went to Eastern this weekend, and I really had so much fun. I met Mike, and kinda scoped him out a little. We hung out and he's got a great sense of humor. We got lost in Philly, Joanna got pulled over for a DUI (totally flirting with her, which we didn't find very funny at all), got delicious cheesesteaks, and then got lost leaving Philly as well. Props to Lauren and Chris for that one. Seriously, good job. We went out with Joanna's friends but also chilled alone for a bit, which was sweet. I felt sick on Saturday, but a nap seemed to make it a little better.
We found out that Caitlin's friend's mom died on Friday. She was like a second mom to Cait. I actually didn't find out until last night, and I just wished I could have been here this weekend to comfort her. I felt so awful, I had nothing to say. I mean, what can you say when something like this happens? It's just so unfair and horrible. So all I could say was I'm sorry. But I mean, she gets to go to the funeral, which is this Friday. It doesn't at all remedy the situation, but I'm glad she could be with people who understand the depth of this loss. Cait, if you're reading this this, I'm always praying for you with this. I'm sooooo soooo sorry.
Today seemed like the longest day in history. It's a sad day so far. Everyone seems to be struggling with something really significant. It's not like, "school sucks" or, "I want to go home." It's real stuff, and it worries me. I think we're all realizing that we aren't going to be together next year, that things are going to change and get muddled and messy. I don't like it either, but some are handling it worse than others, for sure.

Birfday Blues

So my birthday was over break. And... my dear sweet Hannah made a cake for me yesterday. And I know I am the selfishist person ever, but it kinda made me sad. Like, I really spent alot of time on my friend's birthdays and tried really hard to make it special for them. It's so stupid I just felt kinda unimportant. Like being the only one who didnt get a special night. And Tam and Jamie weren't even there. Ok, ignore me lol I'm just being ridiculous.
I'm learning to talk about how I really feel. I'm not scared of what they think anymore. It's ok to say what I mean and get on with my life. I have way to many things ahead to deal with this crap anymore.
I can't wait for summer. I want it so badly. Everything about it lol. EVERYTHING. Except packing up my dorm room. I've acquired so much crap over these months. How will I ever sort it out? I'm also excited to go to Eastern and meet the friends I haven't met and eat Philly cheesesteaks AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I love it. Leave me love, cuz I like to read comments.

Hmm...

You Are a Sensitive Kisser For you, kissing is a way to connect And you need lot of care, attention, and privacy It may take you a while to kiss someone... But when you do, it's total fireworks What's Your Kissing Style? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

"America's influence is not unlimited, but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable, and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause... All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors."
- George W. Bush, Inaugural Address, January 20, 2005


May I ask you for three minutes to help end the suffering in Darfur? It really is quick and easy. (It will take three minutes if you click here now to send a message to President Bush and Congress, or six minutes if you read this entire email message.)

I am grateful for your support of our efforts to stop the violence against innocent civilians in Darfur. As you know, the world is sitting on its hands while women and children are being raped, tortured, and butchered in Darfur. We can, and we must, end this.

The most effective tool we have for ceasing the genocide is to let the president know that Americans care. The Save Darfur Coalition has created a very powerful, yet simple, system for you to communicate with our elected officials. (There is no charge for using it.)

You may send any message you wish. The draft we offer asks for the U.S. to support a strong resolution in the United Nations Security Council.

I am asking you to do this now, because this week marks our 100 Hours of Conscience: Voices to End the Violence campaign. Raising awareness across the U.S. and Canada, this program educates people about the crisis and gives them tools for taking action. The effort is designed to demonstrate to our leaders the importance we place in acting compassionately on our proclaimed moral and international leadership.

With a minute of silence at 3 p.m. on Thursday, college campuses across North America will usher in four days of community programs to educate individuals, mobilize public opinion, and take effective action. The heart of 100 Hours of Conscience is a letter-writing campaign in which participants express their commitment to the U.S. taking leadership to end the violence. We know it is within the power of our public officials to end the violence; they will take the necessary steps when they understand that we care about this.

I hope that you will be able to join us. Please remember your voice is needed, and will be effective, in ending the violence. Together, we will ease the suffering of the people of Darfur.
For more information, please visit our website at www.savedarfur.org. And if you haven't done so yet, please click here to send a message to President Bush and Congress.

+++++
I also want to alert you to very a special event this Friday in Washington. Brian Steidle, a former U.S. Marine and member of the African Union team monitoring the conflict in Darfur, will share his experiences in a stirring program at the U.S. Holocaust Memorial Museum.

Witnessing the atrocities firsthand, Mr. Steidle documented his experience through hundreds of photographs that capture the horrors and destruction vividly and powerfully. His response, of outrage, commitment, and courage, will motivate us all. I hope you join us for his presentation at 2 pm on Friday. Please reserve a spot by calling (202) 314-7868.

You can also hear Brian (and John Prendergast) on NPR's Fresh Air on Thursday. Check http://www.npr.org/wheretohear/?prgId=13 for your local schedule.

back to el grindo

AAAAND spring break's over... I've got a wicked tan (props to New England with that one) and some pretty hot pictures, which I'll have to post later on. 8 oclock this morning... it was certainly a rude awakening. Yet I functioned well with the help of caffeine and the blasting cold weather of PA. Um, Hannah definetly ate rotten celery, threw up all night without telling anyone, is severly dehydrated and in the hospital... I am so buggin out. She's been gone literally all day long! It's so scary I really hope she just gets the IV put in her and then is better.
So in lab... we were making higher fat and lower fat foods (i made muffins, some made granola and some made macaroni). My low-fat Morning Glory Muffins (I'm not even joking, doesn't that sound like Barbie food?) required two cups of shredded carrots. So I'm fightin the grater that looks like a giant cow bell, when I look across my kitchenette at the group making higher fat muffins, and using a food processor. So in the midst of my jealousy, my hand slips, and I grated my thumbskin right off and proceed to gush blood. It was disgusting and I bled through two bandaids. Way to go, nutrition class. I don't think it's real healthy to put human flesh in a low fat recipe, but that's just my opinion. Take it with a grain of suga.
Wow... home in 9 days again? Marvelous. Eastern in 3 days? Fabulous. Not getting what I want? Suckalicious. Ok... all for now.

CANCUN

HEY Im in Cancun! It´s so freakin warm here, and Im tan! Our hotel has internet access, so I figured Id make you all a little jealous... heard its snowin in CT... gotta go beach it! See you in cold wet CT.

For He Alone Can Satisfy...

It's fun to have crushes. It's not so fun when you start to like someone for real. I am not complete yet. I don't want a boyfriend until I am exactly who God wants me to be. I refuse to find my worth in the arms of any man but my Heavenly Father (who blessed me with an earthly father who sees me the same way). I have still so much to learn and become before my heart and life are prepared for something that is real. And I'll wait for that one real guy. No flashy romance, no cheesy plotline, no love-at-first-sight-sweep-me-off-my-feet. Just a boy and a girl in love with Jesus, overflowing that love to each other. That's all I'm asking and waiting for.

Longing for SB

I'm in such a funk. It seems like not much in life is going my way right now. Sometimes I just wonder like... what God is doing. I think I only write on this thing when I'm upset, lol. I just want so many things that I'm not getting. I don't know if it's because I am trying to fill a hole with them or what. But it sucks. Yuck I am definetly in a weird place right now.
I can't wait for spring break! Gettin off this campus, seeing old faces, being with my wonderful family in my wonderful home... goin to Cancun with my daddy, being tan and not pasty white (!) and just being relaxed. And further more, summer is going to rock my world. I don't think I could ask for a better schedule. More on that later. Latron.

ugh

I have a splitting headache. I've been in my room all day besides taking a shower, and been in bed most of that time. I'm having one of the bad days, that is supposedly coming with the good days... but where are they? Yuck... I feel awful

"Last night, when I was turning tricks..."

I promised Joanna I would make that the title of this one, cuz she disagrees with me (I think I have a boring life, she thinks it's exciting). Tracy (Travis) went home today. I miss having her here! She is just so sweet and a pleasure to have around. I can't believe our week together is already done.
You know what's funny? Even when you feel God's peace for a day, a night, whatever... that aching comes back. It's like, what in the world makes me feel this way? Why do I feel contented one minute and restless the next? Why do I push for things I can't have and then get angry at God for knowing better than me? I just wish this time it would be for real. That I wouldn't have my head in the clouds, I wouldn't exaggerate things, I would just be still and know He is God... and know He is the only one who will ever truly love me.
Sorry... deep interjection for a silly day. Hannah and I had a fit of laughter... something about her breaking my nose and trying to feel my brain. It was hilarious and I think Grantham Ground may consider me mentally ill. OH MY GOSH there's no homesteading for next year! I am so pissed off. Now who knows where we'll end up or where Cait and Gwen will be! I am so writing housing and complaining. GRR!!!

I love you, chocolate

TRACY IS HERE! OH my word, we are having so much fun! She came to my classes, I hope they didn't bore her too badly. I have so many tests this week...so many. Which stinks cuz Tracy is here and I have to study. We went to Larson this afternoon and got fruit smoothies. We had this amazing conversation about direction, God, love and life... it was crazy. Like, she's grown up! I mean, it felt like the same page instead of big sister-little sister. She actually encouraged me a whole lot. A lovely unexpected surprise. She saw my crush and she was impressed! Tee hee, more to come!

Love Song for No One

I almost slept through my 8 oclock class because I keep turning off my alarm clock... but I don't remember it at all. This would be the third time in three weeks... so I'm stocking up on Tylenol PM or getting a prescription for Ambien from the clinic on campus. I have issues... hee hee. I always come into these thing thinking I have so much to write, and already I'm clueless. Later!

I miss my girls... 

Oh my gosh...

1. If he tells your that you are hot...Tell him God made you hot.
2. If he wants to hold your hand...Give him a Bible.
3. If he tries to get closer...Tell him the Holy Spirit is wooing him.
4. If he asks to pay for dinner...Remind him that Jesus also paid a debt He did not owe!
5. If he reaches his arm around you...Tell him that nobody will ever be as close to you as Jesus is.
6. If he tries to kiss you...Remind him that a kiss killed your Savior.
7. If he asks to come inside...Ask him if he has asked Jesus to come inside his heart.
8. If he tells you he loves you...Tell him that Jesus loves him.
9. If he gets angry that you won't put out...Clarify to him that W.W.J.D. does NOT mean "Who would Jesus Do."
10. After you dump him...Tell him that Jesus Christ will never leave or forsake him.

Dear Sweet Foolish Valentine

Well, it's not Valentine's Day anymore. It wasn't quite as bad as I thought it might be on campus. However, this is my 18th Valentine as a single girl. Kinda sucks... although I don't want to jump on the sad singles thing that seems to be going around. I'm really not sad to be single, mostly because I know nothing different. Sigh, I just think it would be nice. I don't want to waste my time, so I'm not gonna date just anybody. Man, these morals keep gettin in the way. Hee hee. My birthday is so soon! I can't wait to be 19! I get so excited for my birthday every year, even though I'm barely ever really the center of attention like I love to be lol. Most years it was during the play, when everything was so crazy. This year, I'll be in Cancun. I can't wait to go, but at the same time I'm not going to see my mom for like, all of spring break and I miss her so much. I think I will skip class on Monday and go to a birthday lunch with her. Haha, my master plan. I miss my family tonight. I can't wait for the summer. At the same time, I love my Grantham Ground girls and feel so blessed by their friendships. Lab tomorrow, YES! One step closer? NO!

I had a really fun time at Eastern this weekend. Joanna's friends are SO NICE! I'm glad she found some great girls. I'm so tired and hungry but I have to write today in my food journal... so I must refrain. However, in 13 minutes, it will be Monday! YESSS. Ok, I have nothing to say and I don't know why!

Me and my sister...  

AAAAND Screw THAT

Ok... I'm upset. GRR I HATE MY LIFE... no I don't but I hate my luck.

So, I know that in the end it'll all be worth it, but what's so wrong with me? I just don't understand this. I feel so confused... why do I always get my hopes up?

Why isn't it Friday?

Oh my word, I can't believe that today really isn't Friday. It should be. Let's change that. So, my family isn't coming for lil sibs weekend, which I must say I'm really bummed about. I just thought that they would be really excited to come. I think I'm going to go to Eastern, which is awesome because I really want to meet Joanna's friends. When was the last time I was there? I think it was October... for her birthday when I got my yellow shoes which makes me feel so guilty cuz thats six months! AGH! Oh my word, I am SO excited to go to Cancun and be tan, tan tan. I tried so hard to stop myself from buying some shirts from Old Navy... but I still bought them! Haha, there's my willpower for you.
I'm at this place where I'm wondering what God wants for me... something really nice is going on, but I don't want to let my own hopes get in the way. But if this is what he wants, it would be GREAT! I hope, hope, hope beyond normal hope that it is. Not goin ta tell ya what though. Man, anyone else think I'm secretive lately? Ok... that's all for now.

La La La La La

Today has been such a nice day. Crazy me turned off my alarm in the middle of the night, so I missed my eight o'clock class... but we were going to a coffeeshop and it was gonna be so much fun! I woke up super bummed and dejected hee hee. But I got to rest up a little more after another round of insomnia last night. I have such issues, but I think I had sweet dreams last night, so it's all good. So then I went to lunch with Chuck and Hans, and almost turned around and walked right into a certain somebody's backpack, which was utterly humiliating for the entire Lottie that saw me. Then we had our first lab, which wasn't as painful as I thought it might be. Most everyone in it seems pretty nice. Good stuff... I like that class. But I won't say why... aren't you all in suspense?!?! GAH I'm such a trickster!

DYNASTY

GO PATRIOTS!!! THREE YEARS BABY!!! TOM BRADY IS MY HUSBAND... I LOVE HIM TO PIECES.

Exhausterbated

I have been having so much trouble falling asleep. I really am having a problem. I think I know why it is, but there isn't much I can do about it. So I'm exhausted but I can't sleep, cramps cuz I got my period like, an hour ago and nature felt the need to mock me while I'm down, and a massive caffeine headache cuz I've been up since 8 am with no coffee and I laid in bed for hours before I fell asleep.
It's so good to have Hannah back. She just has this calming presence to her that makes us all seem to get along much better. I can't explain it, it's just so great to have back. I'm really glad that she will be my roommate next year and that we get to go to Philadelphia together. She's my LP forever.
It's amazing how God has changed some of my friendships this semester. Fall sem I felt like I barely knew Caitlin at all, and now I can really count her among my best friends. She's so funny, nonjudgmental, considerate, and gracious to me, especially with all I've been struggling with lately. Even in the midst of pain she's going through, she still looks to God for her satisfaction, and I really admire that. She's not here this weekend, and I miss her and our conversations about insanely deep stuff and the most incredibly stupid banter you could imagine. AWESOME.
I picked up a major declaring notice yesterday! That is such a huge step for me, thats a big fear of mine. But taking these classes has shown me that this is something I am good at, something that comes naturally to me for the first time. I love it. LOVE LOVE LOVE. Today on the way to lunch I saw my cute new friend, and I think I blushed. Was gonna sit next to him in class (just as a friend, mind you) but it was a left handed desk, and so I didn't. Another girl sat next to him and actually PRETENDED to be left handed... I'm just so not that desperate. Hannah and I mocked her insessantly behind her back. Ok, all for now.

THANKS CHUCK

"I want to be like that...where I close my eyes and throw back my head and I step up to dance with You. My tiny hand in Your infinite one. My steps so clumsy compared to Your grace. The music begins and we step out onto the floor. My grip tightens, knowing I will fall, but knowing also You will guide me. And the music swells, roaring in my ears, until I am so captured that I cannot look at anyone but You. My hands feel poised for the next step, my head up, a smile of love on my face, my eyes lock with Yours...and then, maybe then, I will not even notice when You turn to one of Your sons and invite him to dance with me."

I can't wait for LBI 05!!!! 

Nevermind the little things

What's up my people? Haha don't you love it when little white girls try to act ghetto? Sorry, I won't subject you to it anymore. Tonight I had pizza for dinner... leftover since I had to pay friggin 10 bucks for it, lol im still bitter. I had my first Food Science Nutrition class today, and I have the cutest boy in my class! Like, so cute, I'm totally crushin! Plus I get to take it with my LP, who just makes life better, so how could that be wrong? My other classes are pretty sweet, I have the same prof twice in one day, which gets a little tricky. Guess I can't skip one class and show up to the other! I only have one class at 8 tomorrow, so after chapel I can sleep the day away. I get to be a junior high leader at church this summer! I am so excited, I can't wait to start. This will be a great summer, I can already tell. And all that time with Tracy? YES! She's comin up in like, 2 weeks to stay the week, and I hope she has fun here! I don't want to disappoint her with the lack of activity on campus, so hopefully I can drive her around and show her some cool stuff off campus. There's like, literally three months of school left, I can hardly believe we've already done five. It's madness. Ok, I'm finally alone in my room, and I intend to enjoy it! Alone time is scarce in this new room, unlike last semester. It's good most of the time, but I gain energy by being alone. I don't mean to offend, I just can't be constantly surrounded by people. Woohoo... LOVE YA!

I am worth $2,301,816.00 on HumanForSale.com

Buy this for me... and I'll marry you. 

Sigh, no one liked that picture

It's new

I got so bored with my LiveJournal... I want to put up pictures. That's all for now.