48 hours and I'll be home. Less than that, in fact. It's so crazy... I don't even know where this semester went. Lots of people say that, but I mean it completely and totally. It flew. I don't even want to imagine what saying goodbye is going to be like...yeah, I know I'll see them again, but it's not the same. It's just not and saying it will be doesn't make it different, so don't try.
I'm not sure what to make of myself right now. I'm sort of a jumble of thoughts and ideas, emotions and revelations, fears and insights, doubts and insecurity. I'm self confident and perpetually self concious... humble and grotesquely prideful... happy and desperately lonely... single and practically married (haha suspence)... devoted and frighteningly carefree. I feel like I am everything and anything imaginable, yet nothing of substance. What a terrible thing to try to explain. Sorry about that, haha.
Nearly 20, which also means nearly 21 if history repeats itself and this year flies too quickly as well. No more "teen"... I can't believe it. 20 sounds so old. I'm sure everyone says this. One more quick thing... I've been single forever. I get the feeling I'm nearing the end of singleness (hate the word singlehood...like it's my job or something). Being a fully functioning human, not to mention female, it has been difficult to be patient...to believe there was something better than what was in front of my face, and keeping up the hope that waiting would be better in the end. Perhaps this awareness that my odds are increasing that I will find someone soon is making me a bit frightened. I guess I always thought of a relationship and everything as being a "someday" kind of thing. I guess I'm just realizing that it might not be far away. It makes me excited, because I still want it just as much as anyone my age. At the same time...it scares me because I know that if it happens, it's actually gonna happen. Like, it's not gonna be a 2-week thing. Now, saying itll be marriage is a bit far-fetched, that is a little too much pressure at the beginning of a relationship. But after waiting this long, it's like, why would I waste time on someone I wasn't crazy about and who wasn't crazy about me? I just want it all...the flowers, the cheesy stuff, the dates, the long talks...but I want something more. I need a friend and confidant, and he hasn't found me yet. I'm excited for whats to come, but I'm scared as heck...
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2 comments:
my carly rose,
I'm so excited for what God has in store for you. I just have this overwhelming feeling that whatever happens is going to be beautiful. We've both waited for so long it seemed like forever. I'm just so glad I had you there, waiting with me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have that. But I am bursting with excitement about our lives! God is going to bless you and your relationship, whenever it may come. And how can I not be elated! My boo is growing up, and life is BEAUTFUL
Hey, you're not alone. You just put into words exactly what I feel. I was encouraged by reading your post. Thanks
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