turkey turkey turkey

Last night I cooked my first turkey and it was amazing. I filled it with apples, oranges and onions and also placed them in the roasting pan so that the gravy tasted amazing. I rubbed it with sage butter under the skin (unbelievably disgusting to perform but delicious in the end), and the top with olive oil, salt and pepper. I also made roasted asparagus and butternut squash risotto. I cooked for my parent's friends and their family so it was a big deal and I was quite nervous... but it was amaaaazing and I was so proud of myself (and my sisters for being my sous chefs).

Christmas was so perfect this year. I was really missing home so it made the holiday even more amazing. I am missing my close friends... but I got a plane ticket to SEATTLE!!!! I am going in April and I am soooo excited. I miss Hannah's presence in my day-to-day life... I truly miss all of my friends who are absent from daily life.

I need to get another job and I feel kind of annoyed about that. I am learning this year so much to rely on God and trust His providence. I am such a punk when it comes to God, I always assume I would know better and if He would just do what I say it would be fine... and then I consistently come to the realization that He knew/knows best. Aaaamen.

"He was still too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burdens of the past."
-Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera-

One of my most fervent prayers is that God would grant me the grace to have a contented heart.

Peppermint Bark

"Hi! Welcome to Williams Sonoma! Would you like to try some Peppermint Bark? Right now we have a special holiday candy promotion. You get an extra price break when you buy two. It includes our hot chocolate and the holiday candy you can find around the store. But it ends tomorrow so stock up today! And it makes a great gift!"


I said this phrase for 6 1/2 hours today. Over and over and over again in my best cheery-Carly voice. Now my throat is raw and I am repeating the catch phrase continuously in my mind...

But I sold 100 tins of that darn peppermint bark cuz gosh darn it, there was a contest and you best believe I was gonna win it. And I DID. Stay tuned to see what my prize is.

Work Party

I went to a work party last night. My first work related Christmas party. It was actually really fun. I got to find out a lot more about the people I work with. I met their spouses or significant others, and pretended that I didn't notice I was the only single person there. Everyone seemed very interested in how I have been getting along at work. It was nice to find out that my boss condescends to everyone and not just me... I was starting to get worried about that. A few of my co-workers have even mentioned to her that they want her to keep me on after the holidays. She didn't look convinced... but who knows? Maybe I am impressing her and I don't even know it.

Another good thing about last night was meeting my coworker Laura's husband. They both actually went to Messiah and graduated a few years ago. Laura is a lot like me... a lot. We are both cute but not stunning, short, bubbly and outgoing, and very honest. The reason it was so good to meet her husband was... it gave me hope (I swear, boys are not the only thing I think about, and I've never been boy-crazy, but once I stopped having homework I had a lot more time to ponder them). He was an attractive NEUROSURGEON with a very sweet demeanor and he was so friendly and welcoming. I say all this because sometimes it is hard to believe that a good boy will ever want me. I seem to attract boys/men that I would never ever consider, and yet the boy I would love to date never seem to like me. I guess I have found this kind of discouraging. Now, I am not saying that I think I am not good enough for someone to love (my mom always says the man who marries me will be the wisest man on Earth, not that she's biased or anything). I really really really love sweet, good natured boys who love God and have a good sense of humor. Meeting Laura's husband made me a little bit more hopeful that maybe a man like that could love me too. The man I love will have to be worthy of my attention and dedication and I'm not going to settle for anything less even if it means staying single for ever... not to be snobby. Just being honest. But I do not want to be single forever. Being honest again.

I LOVE MY FAMILY

Today I am super thankful for the amazing family I have been blessed with. I am so thankful that when I am with them, I feel at peace. Thank you thank you thank you God.

About my Best Friendster

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart,
chaff and grain together,
knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it,
keep what is worth keeping...

...and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

From my Best Friendster

With that moon language
admit something
everyone you see, you say to them 'love me.'
of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.
still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a
full moon in each eye that is always saying,
with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in
this dying world is
dying to hear?"
-Hafiz (medieval Persian mystic)

I am about to go to sleep. I just came off of watching about 1/2 hour of TV that really frustrated me and got me thinking. As one of those girls who is genuinely happy with themselves (minus a few small details), I rarely allow myself to sink into any sort of self-pity or self-loathing. However after this TV session I can't help but feel incredibly annoyed. I flipped between a news special on escort services and a show about Playboy models (ok I probably should have steered clear of both of these, but hush). I felt like I was just completely bombarded with negative thoughts and images about myself as I watched.

I will never look like those girls.

I hate it that when I date someone, these are the girls they will find attractive, and not girls like me. I hate it that these are the standards of beauty in our society. I hate that I have to convince myself that someone will love me despite my looks.

Please God let there be good men out there still.

Turning Around

Ok so in the course of about a week... everything changed. For the better.

I decided to head to Williams-Sonoma for about the fifth time and ask about my application. And thank God I did, because through doing that I got an interview! So the next day I head into my interview and just killed it. I have very good intuition (I get these "feelings" like a gut feeling, and I'm almost always right) so I sort of knew that I had it. The interview was a Monday, and I was told I would know on Friday. However, I got a call on Wednesday offering me the job! I was so thrilled, I think I called or texted just about everyone that I know. I really needed this money, I can't even explain. Plus, it's doing something that I really enjoy doing... getting to go to work and being surrounded by things that I love and aspire to owning someday, admittedly (copper cookware and KitchenAide stand mixers? Yes PLEASE). It's also really nice knowing that you were highly desired for the job, as opposed to the other jobs I applied to, where I felt that I had to prove myself and I was just grasping at straws.

I really do not want to be a cynical person. I went to church at HBIC and the sermon was about how love always hopes. I want to be a person who hopes always. I do not want to live believing that I cannot hope for things to be better. Right now I have a great deal of hope in a situation. My prayers seem to be fervent and passionate because I am not used to feeling so out of control. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I am human and vulnerable. Oh, how I hate to feel vulnerable. It is funny though, that it reminds me that I am under the protection of a loving God... regardless of how it all turns out. I will always be loved and protected under His wings. No one elses love could ever compare. And somehow that makes everything seem a little less scary.

But only a little.

It's Been Raining A Lot

You know, sometimes it is really easy to get upset about the way things in life aren't working out the way I planned. But in the midst of that, what I find myself most thankful for, other than my amazing family, are my friendships. I have been blessed beyond measure with friends who love me, support me, and accept me.

I talked to Hannah for 2 hours on the phone on Sunday. I can't believe we've been best friends for FOUR years already, and I still never run out of things to talk about with her. She has been my rock throughout college and I really believe that our friendship will last for our entire lives. I wish I could fly to Seattle tomorrow and just be there with her. I want to keep up with the things that are going on in her life and sometimes I'm a little jealous that other friends will have a better insight into the situation because they are present with her. I don't really worry about it though, because we have been through harder times apart, like when we lived on different continents for a year!

Caitlin came to visit this weekend and we had so much fun. Besides seeing a movie that was a litttttttttle too violent for my taste (which is basically any violence at all). It is so great to be able to pick back up and continue our friendship right where we left off a couple of months ago.

I have really been missing Tamarind lately. I miss her craziness and how she always appreciated my sarcasm more than anybody else. She always brings a light to my life that I really miss when she isn't around. I also miss being able to joke about white people with her, she always loved a good white person joke.

I'm so thankful that I have girlfriends around here like Sarah, Kori, and DJ. It's awesome to hang out with them and have fun girl nights like we had last night. And I absolutely love living with Erin. I really believe that God orchestrated everything to work out for the best for us. We have been able to be there for each other and support one another and I'm really thankful. It's funny that I wouldn't have met any of these girls if I hadn't become friends with Chad. I guess he's the lonely only boy that made it to this list. I miss making fun of each other and cooking for someone who always appreciated it. I am always thinking he's in China already, not a couple of miles away. I hope he's having an amazing time!

Well. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm now applying for retail jobs. I applied at Williams-Sonoma, which, come on -- I would be so perfect for! How dangerous would I be working at a cooking store... I'd probably spend my whole paycheck on expensive gadgets and a KitchenAid mixer and silicon baking sheets.
PRAY THAT I GET A JOB SOOOOOOOON!!!!

2 Years Later

So... it's really been awhile. I was home about 2 weeks ago and, for some reason, decided to go back and look at my old blog. I remembered how much I really liked writing in it, and how I missed the creative outlet. I especially loved to write in a spoken word format, which I honestly don't think I have done since I stopped writing here. I doubt anyone still reads this, so maybe I will have to entice people to start reading my thoughts again.

I hope that some people will take the time to read my old entires. Most of them are from sophomore year, a couple are from freshman year. I think it will be interesting, particularly for those of you who didn't know me then. My experiences in Philadelphia and Greece shaped and challenged me, ultimately changing who I am and the way I live. I see in the past entries a lot more naivety, which is equal parts embarrassing and empowering. I also see a sweetness and a softness that I think I have lost. Perhaps not lost... but definitely hidden. During those two years, I was still dealing with past pain and allowing myself to reel from it, and also to heal. My self-preservation method of choice these days is to toughen up so that I'm never hurt like that again. We shall see if that has been an asset or a detriment, because I'm not sure I know yet.

I graduated college. Moving out of the house I shared with my best friends in the entire world will likely go down as one of the worst days of my life. As one who does not enjoy public displays of emotion, I was a basketcase and if you saw me that day at all you can attest to it.

In case you did not know, my life right now is in what you might call an upheaval. This summer I moved 3 times (school to home, home to a new house, new house to Hburg) and it all left me a little stunned. I am painfully unemployed. I am living off of my savings and begging employers to give me a chance in social services. If you are in a similar boat, I don't think that I even have to tell you how disheartening it is to be rejected so many times, eh? I guess I am in the process of finding out what I'm cut out for. I live with a beautiful and spirited artist named Erin, who has turned out to be the silver lining in my post-college episodes. Through pain and joy alike she is sensitive, optimistic, and gracious (things I am sometimes lacking myself).

Ok, I'm still effing single, too. When I read back on my hopeful and pleading past entries, I remember thinking that there was no way I would graduate from college without a boyfriend. I have had a few interests one way or another, but nothing serious and nothing lasting. At this phase of my life I am not sure where a boyfriend would fit it, since I feel like I don't have anything together for myself, let alone someone else. While I am still hopeful, I am somewhere between content and complacent in my singleness. Hmm, that's probably not a good thing.

I will write again soon. Hopefully before 2 years goes by again.