Last night in Grantham

Wow our room is so bare... it is lonely and beige and ugly. Goodbye, B19, you were good to me... you were home.

FYI- the times that show up as when I wrote my posts are like, 4 hours off. So just add four hours to the time when you see them. I only say this because sometimes I want the time to add effect to what I'm writing... and I can't seem to fix it. You used to be able to control on the bottom of what you were writing what time it said. Not anymore. Just thought you should know.

As soon as my Social Research paper is finished, I will most likely be turning my computer off and packing it into the car. So this will be my last post in Grantham for a long time... I'll try and update over Christmas break, and then I will be in Philadelphia. Oh man... what did I get myself into?

i should be sleeping

48 hours and I'll be home. Less than that, in fact. It's so crazy... I don't even know where this semester went. Lots of people say that, but I mean it completely and totally. It flew. I don't even want to imagine what saying goodbye is going to be like...yeah, I know I'll see them again, but it's not the same. It's just not and saying it will be doesn't make it different, so don't try.
I'm not sure what to make of myself right now. I'm sort of a jumble of thoughts and ideas, emotions and revelations, fears and insights, doubts and insecurity. I'm self confident and perpetually self concious... humble and grotesquely prideful... happy and desperately lonely... single and practically married (haha suspence)... devoted and frighteningly carefree. I feel like I am everything and anything imaginable, yet nothing of substance. What a terrible thing to try to explain. Sorry about that, haha.
Nearly 20, which also means nearly 21 if history repeats itself and this year flies too quickly as well. No more "teen"... I can't believe it. 20 sounds so old. I'm sure everyone says this. One more quick thing... I've been single forever. I get the feeling I'm nearing the end of singleness (hate the word singlehood...like it's my job or something). Being a fully functioning human, not to mention female, it has been difficult to be patient...to believe there was something better than what was in front of my face, and keeping up the hope that waiting would be better in the end. Perhaps this awareness that my odds are increasing that I will find someone soon is making me a bit frightened. I guess I always thought of a relationship and everything as being a "someday" kind of thing. I guess I'm just realizing that it might not be far away. It makes me excited, because I still want it just as much as anyone my age. At the same time...it scares me because I know that if it happens, it's actually gonna happen. Like, it's not gonna be a 2-week thing. Now, saying itll be marriage is a bit far-fetched, that is a little too much pressure at the beginning of a relationship. But after waiting this long, it's like, why would I waste time on someone I wasn't crazy about and who wasn't crazy about me? I just want it all...the flowers, the cheesy stuff, the dates, the long talks...but I want something more. I need a friend and confidant, and he hasn't found me yet. I'm excited for whats to come, but I'm scared as heck...

Peace

He is a God of peace.
Thankfully.
I love Him,
I absolutely do.

Seasons

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, of freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children’s gaze, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder,
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrended to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in mid September, and sending us inside
Still I notice you when you change begins, and I am braced for cooler winds
I will offer thanks for what has been, and what’s to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
Still I notice you when branches crack, and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me move, with every seasons change
And so it will be as you are recreating me
Summer,
Autumn,
Winter,
Spring.
Nichole Nordeman

I Still

I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.

I was too lost
to find my own way
I tried
and fell
into the depths.

A heart alone
will not survive.

Screaming in agony
excruciating knowledge
of my own wretchedness
audible was only a whisper
and no one heard.

Except
the love of the Father
heard me before
my mouth first opened
and before I realized
the love I had longed for
I was drenched
in living water.


the rod and staff
which in wrong hands
have beat me
into fearful submission
now comfort me
The arms of a Savior
cradle this lamb
I am lead in paths
of righteousness
and His name I bless.

Unrecognizable
from the torture
of the flames
my reward for obedience
I have never felt so alone
my hand reaches forward
and finds my Rescuer
amidst me in my pain
His blood of healing
His reward for obedience.

Earth shaken
stability has gone missing
with the displacement
of all that I knew
and when I feel
that I will surely
slip through the cracks
unnoticed
I find the gaps sealed
melded with the protection
of a Holy Love.

I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.

I will hold unswervingly
to the faith I profess
for He who promised
is faithful.

Faithful

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4