a short break from the madness

So I'm taking a quick break from studies to update this. I am really exhausted. 9 hours of lecture a day... I am so glad I only have 2 days left, and then its time to see some Hburg friends! It makes me feel like... ok I can do this, I can do this.

I feel like this is really the only thing God hasn't been completely silent on recently. Not that it's a bad thing. I think God has taught/is teaching me such a great deal from the silence. I think this year has been a time to learn heaping helpings of humility and patience... for better or for worse haha.

Still very unsure of life's "next step." My adventurous heart is already planning where I can visit during school breaks (Bahamas for Junkanoo is most DEF happening btw), but my desire to lay down roots is creeping up on me too. I'm not sure what side I will give in to yet. Can I have both? I think that's what I really want. Lay down some roots with someone who will adventure around the world with me at a moments notice and fly anywhere we want just because the tickets are cheap and the going is good. Lets go to Australia. And France. And Thailand. And New Zealand. And I want to go back to Greece... but only to the islands. I want to take like $500 and take ferrys and tiny planes to as many Greek islands as I can. Or we can, if you'd like to come along (as long as you like sleeping in hostels and taking bus rides with stinky old Greek men and eating what we can afford). I'm definitely going back to Santorini and Crete but some other ones as well. If it weren't totally creepy I'd go with Hannah and Clay on their honeymoon to Thailand. But yeah, I won't. I'll go some other time. Omg this is why I should never talk about travel... I can't stop.

YO!

I HAVE REALLY BIG NEWS!

So, in the past 24 hours, two African men have asked to take my photo and then take me out for drinks, all while being sure to mention my... as if I wasn't aware. And they both live in Philly and told me I should move back. I think I might be officially creeped out. No, yes, I definitely am. For sure.

An old man just yelled at me for 20 minutes because he wanted to see my boss but she forced me to say she was busy. He couldn't hear me apologize and yelled louder.

I got my parents a discounted stay (majorly) at the hotel I work for in Palm Beach, and then they got a free upgrade to oceanfront. Go Carly.

All in all... weird day.

summa

I have so much fun stuff happening for the rest of the summer and I am simply tickled. Every weekend til almost September I have something really really awesome to do and it feels like FINALLY I have a little more adventure. First I'm going to DJ's in NYC, Dana's turning 21, then Steph's bridal shower in MA, then I'm going to Pittsburgh to see Caitlin and the Madias for a long weekend, then I'm going to LBI with my family, then soon this kid named Chad will be visiting me, then Persy will be getting married and then I'll be going back to LBI with the other side of the fam, and then hopefully a move to Philadelphia shortly after... it's just so much excitement for such a short amount of time.

In the past few weeks I have been seeing unexpected glimpses of God's faithfulness for things I have been praying about for years and years and years (seriously I'm talking like, over a decade). I feel awed by it. I love the moments where you can see dark clouds parting and you realize that the sun was there the whole time, still warming the earth, you just couldn't see it. I feel the same way right now, although it was God who I couldn't see behind the dark clouds... and He was still shining the whole time. I'm really hoping the glimpses will turn into full on rays of sun in the upcoming days. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAmen.

Nothin but LOVEEE

I am sure of nothing but His love.

As I prayed last night I found myself saying... Ok Lord I graduated over a year ago now and I have nothing of value to show for myself. I didn't serve you in missions like my friends did, I haven't made money like my friends did, I haven't found someone like my friends did, I haven't pursued my passions like my friends did... And I look over my life this past year and feel strange about it because it has been such a storm of highs and lonely lonely lows.

I have been selfish, I have been quick to anger, I have been lazy and calloused and cynical and rude and uncaring. I have ignored people's hurts and needs and felt sorry for myself and been jealous of what other people have. I have wished I was anyone but me and refused to see His work in my life. I have held grudges and thought nasty things about a sundry of topics. I have doubted God's plan unfolding and hated who He created me to be.

However... This year more than ever I have relied on grace, learned the value of forgiveness, and surrendered my own agenda. I've learned to cherish those who love me and pray for those who don't. I've longed for the peace of God and praised Him when He brought comfort in the storms. I stood on my own two feet and learned the difference between independence and interdependence. I learned to humble myself and cry out to Him as my protector and the only thing I'll ever really need. I realized I'm not all that great and yet I'm even more beautiful than I imagined possible because in spite of it all I'm the sparkle in His eye. I've found that despite my many failures I'm given unending hope. I've experienced what I thought I wanted and found myself longing for a different kind of life.

So basically, at the end of a turbulent and confusing year I have found that
I am sure of nothing but His love.

Preeeeeeeeeach it.

Haha I looooove this quote by Tamarind's uncle, who is an author/pastor/speaker and so blunt and funny. It's supposed to be what a girl should say when a guy wants to "get some" although I've found a simple "no way" usually suffices. This is funnier though, and so true.

"Give you some!? Explain to me your spiritual insight, tell me your mental, social, and financial destiny. Improve yourself to become a person of value- who improves my value, who can qualify for this....put a ring on my finger, promise to remain faithful and you will not only get some you will get the full package, you can smack this and back this and get the whole thing, if you qualify."
-Dave Burrows-

Had a year...

Figuring out this "what to do next" stuff is a wee bit disheartening, eh?
Scratch that.
TRYING to figure it out.

Some Musings.

1. I definitely want to find a job that I love. I need to.
2. I want to move to Philadelphia NOW!
3. I wish all my best friends still lived in the same house... or right down the road.
4. Seeing some of the couples in this world makes me smile because (while it's kinda mean), I realize that if they can find someone to love, there's gotta be a little weirdo out there for me too.
5. When I fall in love with that little weirdo, we're going to Paris together.
6. I want to go anywhere and everywhere. By myself or with someone else. Let's just go.
7. Does anyone want to give me the money to just go?
8. It's weird when your baby sister becomes more like a best friend. Weird but freakin awesome.
9. I can't wait to go to South Carolina on Sunday. Even though I have to help Dana move.
10. I wish I was better at keeping in touch with people... and at the same time wish people were better at keeping in touch with me.

Those are my Friday musings.

Musical Bus Tours

As Hannah and I were waiting at the bus stop last night to get to the airport for the end of my all too short visit, we could overhear an older man with a lovely singing voice. He seemed quite content to placate himself with songs from Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin. Being the outgoing one in the duo, I leaned over to him and said, "You have a wonderful voice." He beamed at me and said he didn't know anyone could hear him. He continued to sing and we continued to smile and listen. As we climbed on the bus, he found a seat across from us and as the bus rumbled to a start he began to sing again. "Unforgettable... that's what you are..." The entire bus took notice, and while the social discomfort of someone robbing you of silence on the bus was palpable, the mood shifted into a peaceful lull. He went on to tell us of how he was on American Idol, how he petitioned the producers to allow a 65 year-old man who had just lost his wife to cancer to sing for the judges. He was allowed to, and even made it onto the show. Randy gave him a "knuckle bump" and Simon called him a class act. He pulled from his bag a CD for Hannah and I to look at, entitled "Sherman Pole: For my Lady Love." He asked the crowded bus if we knew a little ditty by a band called the Monkees. "Cheer up Sleepy Jean, oh what can it mean..." Our bus driver grabbed the microphone and started singing along. I exclaimed to Hannah that it felt like we were in some strange bus musical and surely one of our fellow travelers was about to start dancing in the bus aisles. Nearly everyone in the bus broke out in song or applause for Sherman. It was completely surreal and my cheeks started to hurt from smiling so much. In between songs like "The Way You Look Tonight" and "The Very Thought of You" he berated the men of the world for allowing me to be single ("bunch of dummies" was the exact phrase), told me I had the demeanor of a therapist, and praised me for being a younger version of his "lady love." After an hour and a half of lovely music, we had to say goodbye to our new friend. As I reached my hand out to tell him how much I enjoyed his company, he embraced me while saying "this is for friends." He handed me a CD and asked that I visit his website and tell him how I like it. Hannah and I rushed away to say our goodbyes, I couldn't help but laugh at that whole episode. I had just met a man who sang because he loved to sing, to make people smile, and to cause a bit of a scene. He possessed the gift to brighten everyone's day even if only for a little while. What a strange and wonderful little man he was... maybe I'll have him sing at my wedding someday.

So today, I am supposed to make a giant list of wedding planners in CT and NY to send promotional packets to for the Omphoy. One problem that I am running into is that many wedding planners have become exclusive with one or another wedding website. So I can't get any information from them without signing up as a "bride-to-be" with these websites. And I CANNOT bring myself to do it. I just can't do it.

Anyways, life is still moving and changing so fast. I'm just keeping up.

Can you believe we graduated a YEAR AGO???

May flowers.

Sometimes I get kind of frustrated with the way this year has gone/is going... but then other times I get to enjoy long conversations with good friends who make me smile, see the face (even if only digitally)of a friend I miss so much, cook with my mom for hours on end (since I was sent home after an hour and a half of work booooooooo)... and I have to remember that everything is as it should be.


But still... looking forward to this limbo year being over. Ready for the next thing, whatever it may be.

blech.

I wish I could just figure out what I want.

8 days a week

On Sunday I cooked Moroccan spiced chicken with lemons and green olives.
Today I made Zinfandel braised short ribs with mashed potatoes and parsnips.
Tonight I am making homemade marshmallows for my parents small group.
Now seriously... can anyone tell me why I am single?

Haha welp, I was asked to start a youth ministry at my new church and I'm going to take it on. Which, while I am excited, means a third job and officially no days off. So I am praying that God will grant me some reprieve from job stuff... whatever that may entail.

Clay sent me and Hannah his "missions statement" for what he wants our potential community house to look like. It was so great, and encouraging... it was so much of what I want too. Just tell me if you want to read it, I was going to post it but it's so long. Ok here's part of it...

1. We’d have a home full of love. Our home would be a place that people would want to spend time in whether that is an afterschool activity, a supper or a bible study. This home would be open to friends, family and sojourners alike always heeding the scripture that says “some have accommodated angels without knowing it” (paraphrase). It would be a safe house for those who need a place of refuge (Num. 25), may that be from others, the busyness of life, the thundering rain or a place to simply be held by someone. I envision a place where children can flourish through our ability to show them love through listening to them, applauding them, assisting them, teaching them and letting them teach us. I imagine a home where people would stop by and upon viewing our lifestyle, they would not marvel at our lifestyle but that they see faith in action: true “phileo” love being actualized because of our response to/from “agape” love.
2. I envision each of us bringing our own talents, gifts, vision, passions and desires to love those in our community. I see us not spending all of our time working for a company but rather we’d work full-time as ambassadors of Christ’s love and work part-time to sustain ourselves in a culture that flows because of money.
3. I see all of us participating in an afterschool tutoring program that not only teaches neighborhood children how to read or the molecular structure of organism but that they also have worth in the eyes of God and the eyes of us as their friends. I see Carly with a chef hat whizzing around a kitchen singing and teaching kids how to turn on the oven, how to sauté and how to pound chicken for chicken cordon bleu. I see Hannah leading the neighborhood women in a morning yoga class imploring her students to find, acknowledge and live Zen amongst the turmoil of their lives in the inner-city. I see myself giving massages to those who feel the corresponding physical stress that comes from inner-city pressures and casting and fulfilling vision to have fresh fruits and veggies to our neighborhood, may that be bringing produce in from our rural Mennonite friends or dispersing the goods from our community garden. Eventually, I see us getting another building where we can localize our efforts filled with more yoga classes on a bamboo floor, more cooking classes with larger stoves and counter space, more desk space for little ones to draw maps of the Americas and a coffee stand clad with fresh vegan goodies.
4. I see us tending to a (or more) community garden(s) where children can get dirt underneath their fingernails and take home some lettuce, carrots and rhubarb, that they helped grow, to their family at home. I envision us planting dozens of trees and flowers on our street not only for beautification reasons but to raise the property value and self-worth and self-appreciation of those in the neighborhood.
5. I envision us having parties with kids dancing to music and playing in opened fire hydrants with shaved ice in hand. I envision bible studies, movie viewings, community meetings, rousing discussions and long suppers over wine. I see us playing with our dogs, playing stickball in the street and greeting our neighbors not only by name but with a hug.
6. I see us as a team dedicated to one another in accountability, to sharing joy, to weeping and mourning with each other, to assisting each other, to pushing each other and being vulnerable, real and open with each other. I see us carving out a little slice of shalom sprinkled with times of uncertainty, pain and doubt in some neck of the woods in N. Philly..

Come on, tell me that doesn't sound amaaaaaaazing.

Here Comes the Sun (Finally!)

I love how sunshine and a cool breeze can change your day.

It's weird, but being in fresh air and sunshine reminds me that life is good, the future is bright, my life is full of love, I am blessed and highly favored, and I have nothing to worry about because I worship a God of love and peace and hope and I'm perfectly safe and content in His hands. I also worship a God who created the sunshine and I swear He smiles every time I get giddy about spring coming.

I get like this every spring, when I realize that winter is facing its last days. Completely renewed, refreshed and ready for what's ahead. Of course, what's ahead is summer so there isn't much to complain about. Summer means a tan, crazy insane curly hair, swimming, sandals, driving with the windows down, LBI, Chad coming!, weddings, family, and... figuring out what to do in the fall but I'm pretending that's further away than it is.
So Jesus thanks for the beautiful sun. Amen amen amen.

Hands Hands Everywhere, but Not Like THAT

So I have realized that I can tell so much about how two people feel about each other by how they place their hands during a picture, especially guys. Fists, not touching, open palm, spread fingers, tight grip... they all say different things and I basically have it down to a science.

So yes this means I have way too much time on my hands (hahahaha four hours later I realized the pun) while I'm at work. Thanks Facebook.

Tam Slam

Right now, Tam and I are planning a delicious meal of beef tenderloin with roasted red peppers, aioli, herb and cheese polenta, roasted vegetables, and a dark chocolate cake with vanilla bean and coconut frosting. yeeeeah.

I'm Pregnant...

Nah, April Fools. I actually kinda hate April Fools cuz well, I feel like a fool. I remember the gym teacher in first grade told me my shoelaces were untied and then when I looked down he said "April fools" and all the kids laughed at me. I cried and my mom told me to toughen up. Good advice, yet also a good example of why I hide my sensitivities haha.

I had been talking with a good friend about maternal instinct, which is a very strange, mystical concept. While marriage and motherhood is not on my horizon right now, I still have this desire to care for and cuddle and hold and well... mother. My friend seemed to think it was unfair to have that instinct but then have to wait to use it. And that struck a chord with me because I was like, why shouldn't I be using it? I don't have to be a wife and mother to learn how to comfort and care for and love unselfishly. I think it is a mistake to believe that what God has placed within me must be stifled until if/when I get married... Because what if I don't? I think I have already stifled it enough as it is. As I ponder these things and read books that challenge my thinking and my situation right now, I can see my thoughts and prayers changing. Things I thought I wanted... no, needed (I still want them) don't seem as important as finding out how God wants to use me on this earth... Ok, I'll get off the soapbox.

Round the Corner

I just have this feeling that amazing things are around the corner. I have been praying fervently about the decision to move to Philadelphia. I can't say I know for sure it will happen, but I get so excited about it. When I lived in Philly and worked at Montgomery, I really felt like I wasn't just professing my faith, but I was living it. And I think for the past two-ish years, I've been struggling with what it means for me to follow Christ. What does it mean to love my neighbor? What does it mean to live as Jesus lived? How can I interpret His example into the world I live in? When I sit in my office surrounded by some of the wealthiest people, and go to church and listen to studies of the fruits of the spirit I can't help but be like, Is this all there is? Is this the rest of my life?

I feel like right now, or very soon, I have huge life decisions to make. I will either do exactly what my parents hope I will do (get a "good" job, benefits, my own place, a car, get married, and live in the suburbs) or something different... learn to live by lower standards no matter how difficult it may be at first, make no money teaching kids how to cook, live with my best friend and others in community, and find joy in serving those around me and not in gaining material objects... Again, huge decisions. Ones that will affect the rest of my life. I don't think I felt that way when I graduated college- that the next step was HUGE. This time around, I'm feeling the pressure.

So uncomfortable...

So apparently when you turn 23 you are immediately ushered into the world of being set up by your parents friends. Perhaps sneak attacked... ambushed... those are better words.

Saddle

Well I am back at work, but just had some of the best days of my life. I got back Tuesday night from Seattle. I'll do a quick rundown of my adventures. There were a lot.
-toured Theo's, a fair trade organic chocolate factory. Ate many chocolates.
-took multiple buses by myself to get to Hannah's work, which I was given the wrong directions to because Hannah doesn't know her left from her right. I still found it.
-several trips to Pike's Place Market. I could live there I think.
-the day long winery-brewery adventure. Hannah and I took 3 buses totaling about 2 hours long, til we were dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Thankfully there's always a Starbucks in the middle of nowhere. I ran in to ask someone if they could tell us where the winery was. The first lady I asked offered to drive us there. Against all advice I've ever heard, I accepted and ran to get Hannah. LeeAnn (bless her little heart) drove us right to the front door and we thanked her profusely. After delicious wine tastings we headed out to lunch, only to get lost several times and start getting cranky with each other in frustration. I'll be fair, I was the cranky one. We finally got into the brewery and had lunch, only to find that there was a beer tour in about 5 minutes. So off we go like little alcoholics to another tour with free booze. Patrick was our guide and he liked me because all his jokes were totally lame but I laughed at them anyways. I'm not afraid to be kind of lame. Then some frat boys came up to flirt with us (15 of them, 2 of us. I can deal but Hannah was ready to peace). They offered to drive us but we drew the line there... but little did we know about the walk that was ahead of us. We walked for what felt like hours on this country highway, cars whizzing past us and laughing at the poor little girls. Finally we found an express bus back to Seattle. And ALL I spend that day was $18 for food, bus, wine, etc. Awesome.
-Clay got us into the Space Needle for free! He knows someone who works in the coffee shop so she let us go up for free. I'm really glad I didn't pay for that. Then we went to Thai Tom's and Ten thousand Villages. A bird pooped on my scarf and then peed on my head. While my best friend laughed at me, her boyfriend ran in to get napkins. It was horrible. Disgusting and I was freaking out while they were just laughing at me. But then it was ok and now it's all I hear about.
-Hannah and I made pasta with homemade pesto, sundried tomatoes and fresh mozzerella, and this was the best one out of the times I've made it. We also made a trifle for my bday with lemon pound cake, homemade blackberry-strawberry jam, fresh whipped cream and toasted almonds. Her roommates devoured it.
-My last day Hannah and I went to the aquarium and back to the market. We took funny pictures and dreamed about owning sea otters and seals. Then Hannah said I look like a sea otter when I laugh cuz I clap my hands. I still don't see it. We had Indian food with Clay for dinner and it was so good. We talked about our dreams for living in intentional community and wished I didn't have to go back to CT. Alas, Tuesday came and home I went, Hannah and I crying at the airport and me all the way down to security. It's okay I wasn't embarrassed.

So back to life as I know it right now. I am in constant prayer for the future, that God would grant everyone discernment and wise judgment, but a renewed sense of hope and optimism in His plans for us.
Such a good week.

This morning at Cocoa Michelle a man told me my smile was so beautiful I made his heart stop.

I'll take that compliment and use it to fuel me for the rest of this day.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ready for Seattle.

Good NRG

Yes that is me, running around in heels following my boss, burning sage in one hand with the Buddha clasped in the other... ridding the office of negative energy so that the apartments will sell.

Does burning sage fix the economy...?

hummmmm

Well, I'm having a bit of a crisis of identity. My boss here at Highgrove talked to me yesterday about hiring me full time and having me start to sell apartments. Which sounds awesome except for a few things.

First... she told me that I look too young and she doesn't think anyone will take me seriously. Now if you know me at all you know I hate being told I look young, especially because with it comes all other sorts of things. Like not being taken seriously. She told me to wear more makeup and basically get a new wardrobe. Which, this in and of itself was embarrassing. It was like being on "What Not to Wear" but nobody gave me any money.

Secondly... they asked me during my interview if I gossip. It's always been a personal thing of mine to not gossip at work, because it's always disastrous. It finds its way back around and causes completely unnecessary drama. So imagine my surprise when I come to work here and all my boss does is gossip. Sigh.

Finally... I took this job as a very temporary way to make money. I have no intentions of becoming a rich and powerful business person. It's fine for other people but it has never been what I desired for my own life. I want to work in social services. I don't want to work here full-time. But how can I say that given this economy with thousands of people losing their jobs every day? I feel so dumb even saying that I wouldn't take the well-paying sales job because I want to make dirt money helping people, learn to adjust my standards and live simply, and be happy.


But I DO want to make dirt money helping people, learn to adjust my standards and live simply, and be happy.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to be sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
- CS Lewis, "The Four Loves"

Love Love Love

I love you all!


But especially you!

This is Why I Don't Go to Movies

Tracy and I just went to the movie theater and watched "He's Just Not That Into You." And what was the moral of the story?

No boy in my life has ever been into me.

Hahaaaaa I love the cinema.

Work clothes. Boo.

So Saturday is like my Thursday because I work Wednesday through Sunday at Highgrove. Which makes Saturdays sound much less exciting. Plus my boss leaves nothing for me for the weekends, so I have nothing to do for the day (sounds fun but it's not). And while everyone else is dreading Monday, I can't wait to sleep in and do nothing. Except for this week when I have to find a tailor and get almost all of my pants hemmed because I am a shrimp.

I have been slightly scolded for my work wardrobe. I found this surprising at first because I have always thought I was a very creative dresser. I can't draw or paint, but I can dress. Haha. So anyways... I was told to wear a blazer. But I don't want to. I got a really cute one that isn't very blazer-y at all but my boss loved it. She also loves it when I wear dresses. But sometimes it is very cold and I want to wear pants. I get the feeling she wants me to buy really expensive name brand stuff when my favorite store is New York and Company and their $40 off coupons... and I want to say, please give me a raise if you are going to require me to wear expensive clothes. I have too many other bills right now. My mom keeps telling me it's an "investment." Ugh. What a grown-up comment.

I cannot WAIT to go to Seattle. I'm about to burrrrrrrst.

Ch ch changes

I start my new job tomorrow at High Grove. I am nervous and excited but mostly just ready to get to work. I started my training at Cocoa Michelle today and can already make a mean latte. My mom is really sick with either the flu or some kind of food poisoning, so I have been the mom for the past few days. And since my family will not know what to do once I start work 11 hour days, I made a weeks worth of food for them today. This included:

Shredded chicken with bacon, onions, shallots, pepper, smoked spiced and agave nectar.
Pork carnitas with cranberries and thyme.
Fajitas.
Hamburgers stuffed with chives and Havarti cheese.
Golden raspberry and blueberry jam.
Baked potato and ginger ale for my sick mama.

This all occurred in the past... three hours. Minus the jam, which I haven't made yet. Again, I'm a busy girl these days. I am so so so excited for what is ahead. I feel like I've got my groove back, now that my days are full of things to do. It feels good.

Babygirl got a Grown up job!

I'm officially employed. Office assistant at a real estate development company. I have my own office and I get to go to a cocktail party on Thursday.

Needless to say I'm freakin excited right now.

Cooking Frenzy

I dedicate this post to my favorite, Chad Blank, who always appreciates the food I've made.

Tonight: Chicken with fig sauce, and braised vegetables (zucchini, squash, artichokes, garlic, shallots, carrots, and asparagus)

Tomorrow: Seared Magret duck breasts and a balsamic cherry reduction, pan-roasted fingerling potatoes, and haricots verts

Saturday night: Roasted pork tenderloin with pears, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, and spinach salad with homemade apricot salad dressing

Sometimes I just loooooooove to be home... where I can cook and not pay.

Living the Moment to the Fullest

"Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand."
-Henri Nouwen-

My lovely best friend sent me this quote by one of our favorite authors. It is good to be reminded that patience (for the right job, right city, right man, right time, etc) includes finding joy in present circumstances. I guess, as may be clear from other posts, that I'm at a point where really nothing in my life this year is going the way I had hoped or planned. A trait I inherited from my father, I am always looking forward to the next thing. I hope and plan and excite myself over things that are maybes and uncertainties. Often I am disappointed but I don't stay down for long, as I am soon looking for the next adventure. I'm not sure if I do this to keep myself motivated or if it means I am discontented. I think I have labeled this time in my life as a "phase" to get through and a bridge that will lead me to a place that I want to be. Perhaps I need to stop thinking forward for a moment and find the beauty in my life as it is this very second.

Some of you know my life might be changing again pretty soon. Depending on how a certain situation goes I will be heading in one of two very different directions. I could really use your prayers. God is good and I know He will provide no matter what the circumstance.

My sister calls it "twenty oh nine"

Well... I had a rockin New Years Eve. Had to work at 10, so to avoid CT snow the night before, I left home at 5:30 am... on an hour and a half of sleep. Needless to say I was exhausted that day. I planned around 7:30 to just close my eyes for a moment so that I could gain consciousness before I went to a party that Sarah had invited me to go to with her.

And I woke up just moments before the ball dropped. Woops. Happy new year to me!

Well, can my resolution for 2009 be figuring out what I want to do in 2009? Believing in my heart that I have been placed in Harrisburg for a reason, I have taken it upon myself to consider daily what my next step should be (not worrying, just... pondering). Stillllll pretty clueless. I keep asking God to illuminate something for me... don't have to push me just guide me. I read a book last year that suggested that the "will of God" is really more of a guide for us to live our day to day lives... that God is in the small decisions that become the building blocks of our character and our life-paths. That we are free to make the big decisions without fear that it is the "wrong" one. Which I like, but then... doesn't God have a plan for my life as a whole? Aren't there right places and wrong places to go, good and bad decisions? Isn't there somewhere I am preordained to be when August comes? Or should I just keep pursuing what sounds good to me, and God will close doors as necessary...? Any thoughts?

Ok I have to go to work. I'll probably still be thinking about this there.