turkey turkey turkey

Last night I cooked my first turkey and it was amazing. I filled it with apples, oranges and onions and also placed them in the roasting pan so that the gravy tasted amazing. I rubbed it with sage butter under the skin (unbelievably disgusting to perform but delicious in the end), and the top with olive oil, salt and pepper. I also made roasted asparagus and butternut squash risotto. I cooked for my parent's friends and their family so it was a big deal and I was quite nervous... but it was amaaaazing and I was so proud of myself (and my sisters for being my sous chefs).

Christmas was so perfect this year. I was really missing home so it made the holiday even more amazing. I am missing my close friends... but I got a plane ticket to SEATTLE!!!! I am going in April and I am soooo excited. I miss Hannah's presence in my day-to-day life... I truly miss all of my friends who are absent from daily life.

I need to get another job and I feel kind of annoyed about that. I am learning this year so much to rely on God and trust His providence. I am such a punk when it comes to God, I always assume I would know better and if He would just do what I say it would be fine... and then I consistently come to the realization that He knew/knows best. Aaaamen.

"He was still too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and that thanks to this artifice we manage to endure the burdens of the past."
-Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera-

One of my most fervent prayers is that God would grant me the grace to have a contented heart.

Peppermint Bark

"Hi! Welcome to Williams Sonoma! Would you like to try some Peppermint Bark? Right now we have a special holiday candy promotion. You get an extra price break when you buy two. It includes our hot chocolate and the holiday candy you can find around the store. But it ends tomorrow so stock up today! And it makes a great gift!"


I said this phrase for 6 1/2 hours today. Over and over and over again in my best cheery-Carly voice. Now my throat is raw and I am repeating the catch phrase continuously in my mind...

But I sold 100 tins of that darn peppermint bark cuz gosh darn it, there was a contest and you best believe I was gonna win it. And I DID. Stay tuned to see what my prize is.

Work Party

I went to a work party last night. My first work related Christmas party. It was actually really fun. I got to find out a lot more about the people I work with. I met their spouses or significant others, and pretended that I didn't notice I was the only single person there. Everyone seemed very interested in how I have been getting along at work. It was nice to find out that my boss condescends to everyone and not just me... I was starting to get worried about that. A few of my co-workers have even mentioned to her that they want her to keep me on after the holidays. She didn't look convinced... but who knows? Maybe I am impressing her and I don't even know it.

Another good thing about last night was meeting my coworker Laura's husband. They both actually went to Messiah and graduated a few years ago. Laura is a lot like me... a lot. We are both cute but not stunning, short, bubbly and outgoing, and very honest. The reason it was so good to meet her husband was... it gave me hope (I swear, boys are not the only thing I think about, and I've never been boy-crazy, but once I stopped having homework I had a lot more time to ponder them). He was an attractive NEUROSURGEON with a very sweet demeanor and he was so friendly and welcoming. I say all this because sometimes it is hard to believe that a good boy will ever want me. I seem to attract boys/men that I would never ever consider, and yet the boy I would love to date never seem to like me. I guess I have found this kind of discouraging. Now, I am not saying that I think I am not good enough for someone to love (my mom always says the man who marries me will be the wisest man on Earth, not that she's biased or anything). I really really really love sweet, good natured boys who love God and have a good sense of humor. Meeting Laura's husband made me a little bit more hopeful that maybe a man like that could love me too. The man I love will have to be worthy of my attention and dedication and I'm not going to settle for anything less even if it means staying single for ever... not to be snobby. Just being honest. But I do not want to be single forever. Being honest again.

I LOVE MY FAMILY

Today I am super thankful for the amazing family I have been blessed with. I am so thankful that when I am with them, I feel at peace. Thank you thank you thank you God.

About my Best Friendster

"A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart,
chaff and grain together,
knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it,
keep what is worth keeping...

...and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away."
- Arabian Proverb

From my Best Friendster

With that moon language
admit something
everyone you see, you say to them 'love me.'
of course you do not do this out loud, otherwise someone would call the cops.
still, though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a
full moon in each eye that is always saying,
with that sweet moon language,
what every other eye in
this dying world is
dying to hear?"
-Hafiz (medieval Persian mystic)

I am about to go to sleep. I just came off of watching about 1/2 hour of TV that really frustrated me and got me thinking. As one of those girls who is genuinely happy with themselves (minus a few small details), I rarely allow myself to sink into any sort of self-pity or self-loathing. However after this TV session I can't help but feel incredibly annoyed. I flipped between a news special on escort services and a show about Playboy models (ok I probably should have steered clear of both of these, but hush). I felt like I was just completely bombarded with negative thoughts and images about myself as I watched.

I will never look like those girls.

I hate it that when I date someone, these are the girls they will find attractive, and not girls like me. I hate it that these are the standards of beauty in our society. I hate that I have to convince myself that someone will love me despite my looks.

Please God let there be good men out there still.

Turning Around

Ok so in the course of about a week... everything changed. For the better.

I decided to head to Williams-Sonoma for about the fifth time and ask about my application. And thank God I did, because through doing that I got an interview! So the next day I head into my interview and just killed it. I have very good intuition (I get these "feelings" like a gut feeling, and I'm almost always right) so I sort of knew that I had it. The interview was a Monday, and I was told I would know on Friday. However, I got a call on Wednesday offering me the job! I was so thrilled, I think I called or texted just about everyone that I know. I really needed this money, I can't even explain. Plus, it's doing something that I really enjoy doing... getting to go to work and being surrounded by things that I love and aspire to owning someday, admittedly (copper cookware and KitchenAide stand mixers? Yes PLEASE). It's also really nice knowing that you were highly desired for the job, as opposed to the other jobs I applied to, where I felt that I had to prove myself and I was just grasping at straws.

I really do not want to be a cynical person. I went to church at HBIC and the sermon was about how love always hopes. I want to be a person who hopes always. I do not want to live believing that I cannot hope for things to be better. Right now I have a great deal of hope in a situation. My prayers seem to be fervent and passionate because I am not used to feeling so out of control. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I am human and vulnerable. Oh, how I hate to feel vulnerable. It is funny though, that it reminds me that I am under the protection of a loving God... regardless of how it all turns out. I will always be loved and protected under His wings. No one elses love could ever compare. And somehow that makes everything seem a little less scary.

But only a little.

It's Been Raining A Lot

You know, sometimes it is really easy to get upset about the way things in life aren't working out the way I planned. But in the midst of that, what I find myself most thankful for, other than my amazing family, are my friendships. I have been blessed beyond measure with friends who love me, support me, and accept me.

I talked to Hannah for 2 hours on the phone on Sunday. I can't believe we've been best friends for FOUR years already, and I still never run out of things to talk about with her. She has been my rock throughout college and I really believe that our friendship will last for our entire lives. I wish I could fly to Seattle tomorrow and just be there with her. I want to keep up with the things that are going on in her life and sometimes I'm a little jealous that other friends will have a better insight into the situation because they are present with her. I don't really worry about it though, because we have been through harder times apart, like when we lived on different continents for a year!

Caitlin came to visit this weekend and we had so much fun. Besides seeing a movie that was a litttttttttle too violent for my taste (which is basically any violence at all). It is so great to be able to pick back up and continue our friendship right where we left off a couple of months ago.

I have really been missing Tamarind lately. I miss her craziness and how she always appreciated my sarcasm more than anybody else. She always brings a light to my life that I really miss when she isn't around. I also miss being able to joke about white people with her, she always loved a good white person joke.

I'm so thankful that I have girlfriends around here like Sarah, Kori, and DJ. It's awesome to hang out with them and have fun girl nights like we had last night. And I absolutely love living with Erin. I really believe that God orchestrated everything to work out for the best for us. We have been able to be there for each other and support one another and I'm really thankful. It's funny that I wouldn't have met any of these girls if I hadn't become friends with Chad. I guess he's the lonely only boy that made it to this list. I miss making fun of each other and cooking for someone who always appreciated it. I am always thinking he's in China already, not a couple of miles away. I hope he's having an amazing time!

Well. I'm not sure what else to say. I'm now applying for retail jobs. I applied at Williams-Sonoma, which, come on -- I would be so perfect for! How dangerous would I be working at a cooking store... I'd probably spend my whole paycheck on expensive gadgets and a KitchenAid mixer and silicon baking sheets.
PRAY THAT I GET A JOB SOOOOOOOON!!!!

2 Years Later

So... it's really been awhile. I was home about 2 weeks ago and, for some reason, decided to go back and look at my old blog. I remembered how much I really liked writing in it, and how I missed the creative outlet. I especially loved to write in a spoken word format, which I honestly don't think I have done since I stopped writing here. I doubt anyone still reads this, so maybe I will have to entice people to start reading my thoughts again.

I hope that some people will take the time to read my old entires. Most of them are from sophomore year, a couple are from freshman year. I think it will be interesting, particularly for those of you who didn't know me then. My experiences in Philadelphia and Greece shaped and challenged me, ultimately changing who I am and the way I live. I see in the past entries a lot more naivety, which is equal parts embarrassing and empowering. I also see a sweetness and a softness that I think I have lost. Perhaps not lost... but definitely hidden. During those two years, I was still dealing with past pain and allowing myself to reel from it, and also to heal. My self-preservation method of choice these days is to toughen up so that I'm never hurt like that again. We shall see if that has been an asset or a detriment, because I'm not sure I know yet.

I graduated college. Moving out of the house I shared with my best friends in the entire world will likely go down as one of the worst days of my life. As one who does not enjoy public displays of emotion, I was a basketcase and if you saw me that day at all you can attest to it.

In case you did not know, my life right now is in what you might call an upheaval. This summer I moved 3 times (school to home, home to a new house, new house to Hburg) and it all left me a little stunned. I am painfully unemployed. I am living off of my savings and begging employers to give me a chance in social services. If you are in a similar boat, I don't think that I even have to tell you how disheartening it is to be rejected so many times, eh? I guess I am in the process of finding out what I'm cut out for. I live with a beautiful and spirited artist named Erin, who has turned out to be the silver lining in my post-college episodes. Through pain and joy alike she is sensitive, optimistic, and gracious (things I am sometimes lacking myself).

Ok, I'm still effing single, too. When I read back on my hopeful and pleading past entries, I remember thinking that there was no way I would graduate from college without a boyfriend. I have had a few interests one way or another, but nothing serious and nothing lasting. At this phase of my life I am not sure where a boyfriend would fit it, since I feel like I don't have anything together for myself, let alone someone else. While I am still hopeful, I am somewhere between content and complacent in my singleness. Hmm, that's probably not a good thing.

I will write again soon. Hopefully before 2 years goes by again.

Spring has Sprung

Hmm... so I guess it's been awhile. I have become not so good at updating this things. I will try to organize the past 30+ days into one cohesive post... we'll see how that goes.
First of all, I have absolutely fallen in love with my kids from Montgomery. They are so precious, such beautiful gifts from God. I don't want to leave them for the summer. I find myself not even wanting Friday to come cuz I know that means I can't see them for a few days. There is something about living in this city that has captured my attention. It's dirty, it's loud, it's crowded... and yet it's beautiful. These past few gorgeous spring days... walking around the city, sitting in our beautiful gazebo/picnic tables/blanket in the grass in the backyard, just enjoying friendship and God's eye for beauty. It is truly breathtaking.
I am still amazed to think of the person I was when I was graduating high school, and how different I am just two years later (and yet, I keep thinking, has it been two years already?!?). Some things I wanted then have changed drastically, some are painfully the same. Sometimes when I remember the person I was in high school, I just remember being so sad... a painful rejection always pushed in my face, never ever feeling good/pretty/thin/cool/popular/(could the list really ever end?) enough to get through. I will not say that I am super happy, or that I have everything that I have ever wanted, but I feel so fulfilled. I guess it's joy, and not happiness, that I find so abundantly in my heart... and it is a great feeling. God is so great, isn't He?
I've decided to stay in Philly next semester. I am not sure why. Part of me misses the quiet of Grantham, but I really feel like I haven't completed my purpose here. I am hoping to get an RA position, but I'm like, the youngest person applying, so who knows about how that will turn out. I won't find out for almost another month, but if the CRAZYFAST month of March is anything like April, it'll feel like tomorrow.
I need patience... Being faithful is never easy, especially when you have to let go of your grasp on something and admit that you don't know what the future holds. Sometimes I feel crazy for putting so much faith into something I heard so many years ago. Then other times, I remember that He who has promised us is faithful. I am so thankful that I serve a God of mercy, I am so touched that He cares for my heart and my wishes, and even when I screw it up again and again, I praise God because He knows I am trying my best to be faithful to Him.

Sigh... spring is lovely here in Philly. Praise God.

I'll hide you seek

Once there was a little girl. She was small and sweet, timid and shy. One day she found a boy who liked her very much. As the little girl grew, she began to play games of hide-and-go-seek with the little boy. However, the poor little girl did not know how to play the game. She would hide. The little boy would call after her, and she would run from her hiding place, afraid that if she did not answer he would stop looking. This made sense to the little girl, and whenever she gave up her hiding place, she would run to the little boy and hold on tight.

Now, anyone who has ever played hide-and-go-seek would know that the little girl was ruining the game. What she did not know is that the little boy wanted to find her, he wanted her to hide in the cabinets and closets and boxes, in order that he might win the game. The little girl was so worried that if the little boy thought she had disappeared, he would find another little girl to play with.

The little girl could not have imagined what would happen next. The little boy grew tired of the game, grew tired of her. He found another little girl who was hiding from her own little boy. He was excited by this little girl who knew how to play the game. Without explaination, the little boy left the little girl for his new friend, never looking back...never saying goodbye.

The little girl remained in her hiding space. The little boy was not calling her name. As she popped her head out to remind him that she was still missing, she saw her best friend had left her. She ran from her secret hiding place and into the light. She shed big crocodile tears, she cried in the arms of her mother and in the darkness of her room. She did not understand why the little boy did not want to play with her; for she did not understand hide-and-go-seek. The little boy never came back... but the little girl always prayed he would.

As the little girl became a young woman, and the boy a young man, they forgot one another. Hide-and-go-seek had become a dangerous game for both. At times they would spot each other across the room, but both young woman and young man felt the sting of lost love. What the young man did not know was that while his new friend soon left him for a boy whom she loved more, the young woman was falling in love with a perfect Man. Without her playmate by her side, she spent her time playing hide-and-go-seek with her Father.

The young woman's Father, the inventor of hide-and-go-seek, taught her that a true playmate does not abandon the hider until found. Therefore, He assured her, she need not fear that if she hid and was quiet, the seeker would leave her waiting, for he would seek her earnestly until she was discovered. She learned the art of patience. She learned to hide with grace and a smile. She learned to close her mouth when she wanted to shout the young man's name. She learned that while the young man would continue to play hide-and-go-seek with other girls, she must still hide. She learned that while other young men would seek after her and try to pry into her secret hiding place, she must still hide. She learned that her Father would guard her hiding place. She learned if she trusted Him and remained quiet as He asked, her Father would not reveal her hiding place to anyone but the young man.

So she must still hide.

And there she remains, in her secret place. She can hear the young man's voice in the distance. He has not yet realized that she is in hiding, that she is waiting for him to remember the little girl who was afraid he would leave. She is waiting for him to realize that she never wanted to make him leave, she only wanted to be loved. She is waiting for him to seek out the face of her Father, and beg her Father to show him the hiding place of the little-girl-turned-young-woman. She is waiting for the doors of her secret hiding place to fling open with the fervor of a young man who has also learned to play hide-and-go-seek. Yet she knows he cannot hear the voice of her Father above the noise of other playmates and games of hide-and-go-seek. Still, years of playing with her Father have taught the young woman that her Father will never go looking for a new playmate. He will never lose interest when she appears too eager. Instead, He will continue to teach her how to be graceful. He will continue to guard her hiding place as a treasure above all else. He will continue to teach her how to play hide-and-go-seek, until there comes a time when she need not play games anymore. When that time comes, she will thank her Father for His protection, for He never let anyone invade her secret place.

And the little girl will run once again to the little boy.
She will be the princess captured,
he the charming prince to rescue her.
And the young woman and the young man
will be playmates forever.

I have been told to update... I guess I'm not so good at this blogging thing. I feel a little confused at the moment...about alot. I'm just trying to wait on God and be PATIENT but it gets so wearing after awhile. I was going through a phase where like, EVERY DAY I wanted a boyfriend, which is weird because I rarely actually feel like that. It was really starting to worry me. But I realized that it's a desire I have for my life, and in and of itself it's not a bad thing. For some reason, God has asked me to wait for awhile, and I really want to be faithful, because after all...who is more faithful than He is? Now, I'm not gonna lie and say I want to be single forever, cuz well, I don't. But I can handle it. I am so thankful for being single for so long, because I have such a firm grasp on who I am and what I deserve from a relationship. I am not willing to settle at all, and especially recently, that has been a blessing. There was a situation in which my decisions about my own life sorta prevented me from moving forward in a certain relationship... and I'm so grateful. I could not be with someone who parties and gets drunk all the time and doesn't respect themselves (or me) enough to get to know each other without alcohol involved. I don't have anything against alcohol per se, but its the excessiveness of it all that just drives me insane.
I had a great week with Tracy, or Spit, what ever you want to call her. She is such a blessing... such an amazing girl. I love her to pieces, along with the rest of my family. AGH so much work to do before Friday, which is spring break for me. Yeah, spring break already, doesn't it seem so early? It's crazyness.
MY 20th BIRTHDAY IS SOON!!!

Song of Songs 3

All night on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.

"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"

Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother's house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:


Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

City Side

I've seen you in the mountains
you've shown me the trees
I can see your imprint
in the fragrant ocean's breeze.

The flowers are your thumbprint
the very rocks cry out
every work of nature
to it's Maker forever shouts.

But where can I find you now?
so unsure of your place
I find myself ever searching
for a glimpse of sweet grace.

I can see you even now
so far from what I've known
everything looks so different
from the place I call home.

You whisper in the wind
that sweeps across my face
reminding me that I am called
to always sing your praise.

So I find you on the sidewalks
in the grit of city air
I search in people's glances
creation reflected in the stares.

I hear your voice
begging mercy for the poor
as your children sleep on sidewalks
hoping to live one day more.

I sense your grace in gardens
in smiling beautiful hearts
in my brothers and sisters
who bring light into the dark.

In church we praise in harmony
a blessed human rainbow
we all reflect your lovely face
glimpse of heaven on earth below.

At first I did not find you
I saw suffering and only pain
then I saw you would use me
sunshine through the rain.

So I thank you for the city
and I thank you for the grime
I thank you for the subways
and I thank you for this time

I will thank you for the children
and I thank you for this place
I thank you for showing me
the city side of grace.

Philly grabbed my heart and won't freakin let go!

I love it here. It's so wonderfully overwhelming and beautiful. The people here (MC campus at least) are fabulous, my profs are brilliant, and there is so much to do all the time. ALL the time. Fanflippintastic. I can't wait for friends to come visit. I can't wait to see my beloved Tam. I can't wait to understand the subway system. I can't wait for springtime in the city. I can't wait to make deeper friendship with these people. I can't wait for my urban field experience. I can't wait for late nights and all-too-early mornings.

Most of all, I can't WAIT to see what God has for me here.

Headed to Boston

I am so excited I finally get to go to Boston and see Kirsten's apartment and everything! So excited. In one week... I'll be in Philly. It's so surreal! I am excited and nervous all at once. I seriously cannot wait.
My last entry was a bit dramatic so I deleted it. I had a good New Years. New Years Eve is always a disappointment, isn't it? It's like, no matter what you're doing, you're still not doing something else. Someone I know, or, thought I knew, really shocked me with his insensitivity. And not just towards me, which I've almost come to expect, but to his very best friends. It broke my heart to find that they spent New Years Eve crying over it. It's hard to believe someone so nice could be such a jackass. Oh yeah, and the boys just went to Messiah... and didn't invite me to come along even though I would've gone in a heartbeat. Jerks.
I had coffee with my CT girls the other night, and I really had a good time. I wish Sarah could've been there, but she's already back at school. I miss my Messiah girls... omg I miss them so much. I don't think I'll be able to make it down there before Philly and it sucks. I think I overestimated how much longer of a break I have.
Well, I am not sure what else to update on... love yas.

Last night in Grantham

Wow our room is so bare... it is lonely and beige and ugly. Goodbye, B19, you were good to me... you were home.

FYI- the times that show up as when I wrote my posts are like, 4 hours off. So just add four hours to the time when you see them. I only say this because sometimes I want the time to add effect to what I'm writing... and I can't seem to fix it. You used to be able to control on the bottom of what you were writing what time it said. Not anymore. Just thought you should know.

As soon as my Social Research paper is finished, I will most likely be turning my computer off and packing it into the car. So this will be my last post in Grantham for a long time... I'll try and update over Christmas break, and then I will be in Philadelphia. Oh man... what did I get myself into?