Hmm... so I guess it's been awhile. I have become not so good at updating this things. I will try to organize the past 30+ days into one cohesive post... we'll see how that goes.
First of all, I have absolutely fallen in love with my kids from Montgomery. They are so precious, such beautiful gifts from God. I don't want to leave them for the summer. I find myself not even wanting Friday to come cuz I know that means I can't see them for a few days. There is something about living in this city that has captured my attention. It's dirty, it's loud, it's crowded... and yet it's beautiful. These past few gorgeous spring days... walking around the city, sitting in our beautiful gazebo/picnic tables/blanket in the grass in the backyard, just enjoying friendship and God's eye for beauty. It is truly breathtaking.
I am still amazed to think of the person I was when I was graduating high school, and how different I am just two years later (and yet, I keep thinking, has it been two years already?!?). Some things I wanted then have changed drastically, some are painfully the same. Sometimes when I remember the person I was in high school, I just remember being so sad... a painful rejection always pushed in my face, never ever feeling good/pretty/thin/cool/popular/(could the list really ever end?) enough to get through. I will not say that I am super happy, or that I have everything that I have ever wanted, but I feel so fulfilled. I guess it's joy, and not happiness, that I find so abundantly in my heart... and it is a great feeling. God is so great, isn't He?
I've decided to stay in Philly next semester. I am not sure why. Part of me misses the quiet of Grantham, but I really feel like I haven't completed my purpose here. I am hoping to get an RA position, but I'm like, the youngest person applying, so who knows about how that will turn out. I won't find out for almost another month, but if the CRAZYFAST month of March is anything like April, it'll feel like tomorrow.
I need patience... Being faithful is never easy, especially when you have to let go of your grasp on something and admit that you don't know what the future holds. Sometimes I feel crazy for putting so much faith into something I heard so many years ago. Then other times, I remember that He who has promised us is faithful. I am so thankful that I serve a God of mercy, I am so touched that He cares for my heart and my wishes, and even when I screw it up again and again, I praise God because He knows I am trying my best to be faithful to Him.
Sigh... spring is lovely here in Philly. Praise God.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I'll hide you seek
Once there was a little girl. She was small and sweet, timid and shy. One day she found a boy who liked her very much. As the little girl grew, she began to play games of hide-and-go-seek with the little boy. However, the poor little girl did not know how to play the game. She would hide. The little boy would call after her, and she would run from her hiding place, afraid that if she did not answer he would stop looking. This made sense to the little girl, and whenever she gave up her hiding place, she would run to the little boy and hold on tight.
Now, anyone who has ever played hide-and-go-seek would know that the little girl was ruining the game. What she did not know is that the little boy wanted to find her, he wanted her to hide in the cabinets and closets and boxes, in order that he might win the game. The little girl was so worried that if the little boy thought she had disappeared, he would find another little girl to play with.
The little girl could not have imagined what would happen next. The little boy grew tired of the game, grew tired of her. He found another little girl who was hiding from her own little boy. He was excited by this little girl who knew how to play the game. Without explaination, the little boy left the little girl for his new friend, never looking back...never saying goodbye.
The little girl remained in her hiding space. The little boy was not calling her name. As she popped her head out to remind him that she was still missing, she saw her best friend had left her. She ran from her secret hiding place and into the light. She shed big crocodile tears, she cried in the arms of her mother and in the darkness of her room. She did not understand why the little boy did not want to play with her; for she did not understand hide-and-go-seek. The little boy never came back... but the little girl always prayed he would.
As the little girl became a young woman, and the boy a young man, they forgot one another. Hide-and-go-seek had become a dangerous game for both. At times they would spot each other across the room, but both young woman and young man felt the sting of lost love. What the young man did not know was that while his new friend soon left him for a boy whom she loved more, the young woman was falling in love with a perfect Man. Without her playmate by her side, she spent her time playing hide-and-go-seek with her Father.
The young woman's Father, the inventor of hide-and-go-seek, taught her that a true playmate does not abandon the hider until found. Therefore, He assured her, she need not fear that if she hid and was quiet, the seeker would leave her waiting, for he would seek her earnestly until she was discovered. She learned the art of patience. She learned to hide with grace and a smile. She learned to close her mouth when she wanted to shout the young man's name. She learned that while the young man would continue to play hide-and-go-seek with other girls, she must still hide. She learned that while other young men would seek after her and try to pry into her secret hiding place, she must still hide. She learned that her Father would guard her hiding place. She learned if she trusted Him and remained quiet as He asked, her Father would not reveal her hiding place to anyone but the young man.
So she must still hide.
And there she remains, in her secret place. She can hear the young man's voice in the distance. He has not yet realized that she is in hiding, that she is waiting for him to remember the little girl who was afraid he would leave. She is waiting for him to realize that she never wanted to make him leave, she only wanted to be loved. She is waiting for him to seek out the face of her Father, and beg her Father to show him the hiding place of the little-girl-turned-young-woman. She is waiting for the doors of her secret hiding place to fling open with the fervor of a young man who has also learned to play hide-and-go-seek. Yet she knows he cannot hear the voice of her Father above the noise of other playmates and games of hide-and-go-seek. Still, years of playing with her Father have taught the young woman that her Father will never go looking for a new playmate. He will never lose interest when she appears too eager. Instead, He will continue to teach her how to be graceful. He will continue to guard her hiding place as a treasure above all else. He will continue to teach her how to play hide-and-go-seek, until there comes a time when she need not play games anymore. When that time comes, she will thank her Father for His protection, for He never let anyone invade her secret place.
And the little girl will run once again to the little boy.
She will be the princess captured,
he the charming prince to rescue her.
And the young woman and the young man
will be playmates forever.
Now, anyone who has ever played hide-and-go-seek would know that the little girl was ruining the game. What she did not know is that the little boy wanted to find her, he wanted her to hide in the cabinets and closets and boxes, in order that he might win the game. The little girl was so worried that if the little boy thought she had disappeared, he would find another little girl to play with.
The little girl could not have imagined what would happen next. The little boy grew tired of the game, grew tired of her. He found another little girl who was hiding from her own little boy. He was excited by this little girl who knew how to play the game. Without explaination, the little boy left the little girl for his new friend, never looking back...never saying goodbye.
The little girl remained in her hiding space. The little boy was not calling her name. As she popped her head out to remind him that she was still missing, she saw her best friend had left her. She ran from her secret hiding place and into the light. She shed big crocodile tears, she cried in the arms of her mother and in the darkness of her room. She did not understand why the little boy did not want to play with her; for she did not understand hide-and-go-seek. The little boy never came back... but the little girl always prayed he would.
As the little girl became a young woman, and the boy a young man, they forgot one another. Hide-and-go-seek had become a dangerous game for both. At times they would spot each other across the room, but both young woman and young man felt the sting of lost love. What the young man did not know was that while his new friend soon left him for a boy whom she loved more, the young woman was falling in love with a perfect Man. Without her playmate by her side, she spent her time playing hide-and-go-seek with her Father.
The young woman's Father, the inventor of hide-and-go-seek, taught her that a true playmate does not abandon the hider until found. Therefore, He assured her, she need not fear that if she hid and was quiet, the seeker would leave her waiting, for he would seek her earnestly until she was discovered. She learned the art of patience. She learned to hide with grace and a smile. She learned to close her mouth when she wanted to shout the young man's name. She learned that while the young man would continue to play hide-and-go-seek with other girls, she must still hide. She learned that while other young men would seek after her and try to pry into her secret hiding place, she must still hide. She learned that her Father would guard her hiding place. She learned if she trusted Him and remained quiet as He asked, her Father would not reveal her hiding place to anyone but the young man.
So she must still hide.
And there she remains, in her secret place. She can hear the young man's voice in the distance. He has not yet realized that she is in hiding, that she is waiting for him to remember the little girl who was afraid he would leave. She is waiting for him to realize that she never wanted to make him leave, she only wanted to be loved. She is waiting for him to seek out the face of her Father, and beg her Father to show him the hiding place of the little-girl-turned-young-woman. She is waiting for the doors of her secret hiding place to fling open with the fervor of a young man who has also learned to play hide-and-go-seek. Yet she knows he cannot hear the voice of her Father above the noise of other playmates and games of hide-and-go-seek. Still, years of playing with her Father have taught the young woman that her Father will never go looking for a new playmate. He will never lose interest when she appears too eager. Instead, He will continue to teach her how to be graceful. He will continue to guard her hiding place as a treasure above all else. He will continue to teach her how to play hide-and-go-seek, until there comes a time when she need not play games anymore. When that time comes, she will thank her Father for His protection, for He never let anyone invade her secret place.
And the little girl will run once again to the little boy.
She will be the princess captured,
he the charming prince to rescue her.
And the young woman and the young man
will be playmates forever.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
I have been told to update... I guess I'm not so good at this blogging thing. I feel a little confused at the moment...about alot. I'm just trying to wait on God and be PATIENT but it gets so wearing after awhile. I was going through a phase where like, EVERY DAY I wanted a boyfriend, which is weird because I rarely actually feel like that. It was really starting to worry me. But I realized that it's a desire I have for my life, and in and of itself it's not a bad thing. For some reason, God has asked me to wait for awhile, and I really want to be faithful, because after all...who is more faithful than He is? Now, I'm not gonna lie and say I want to be single forever, cuz well, I don't. But I can handle it. I am so thankful for being single for so long, because I have such a firm grasp on who I am and what I deserve from a relationship. I am not willing to settle at all, and especially recently, that has been a blessing. There was a situation in which my decisions about my own life sorta prevented me from moving forward in a certain relationship... and I'm so grateful. I could not be with someone who parties and gets drunk all the time and doesn't respect themselves (or me) enough to get to know each other without alcohol involved. I don't have anything against alcohol per se, but its the excessiveness of it all that just drives me insane.
I had a great week with Tracy, or Spit, what ever you want to call her. She is such a blessing... such an amazing girl. I love her to pieces, along with the rest of my family. AGH so much work to do before Friday, which is spring break for me. Yeah, spring break already, doesn't it seem so early? It's crazyness.
MY 20th BIRTHDAY IS SOON!!!
I had a great week with Tracy, or Spit, what ever you want to call her. She is such a blessing... such an amazing girl. I love her to pieces, along with the rest of my family. AGH so much work to do before Friday, which is spring break for me. Yeah, spring break already, doesn't it seem so early? It's crazyness.
MY 20th BIRTHDAY IS SOON!!!
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Song of Songs 3
All night on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother's house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother's house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.
Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
City Side
I've seen you in the mountains
you've shown me the trees
I can see your imprint
in the fragrant ocean's breeze.
The flowers are your thumbprint
the very rocks cry out
every work of nature
to it's Maker forever shouts.
But where can I find you now?
so unsure of your place
I find myself ever searching
for a glimpse of sweet grace.
I can see you even now
so far from what I've known
everything looks so different
from the place I call home.
You whisper in the wind
that sweeps across my face
reminding me that I am called
to always sing your praise.
So I find you on the sidewalks
in the grit of city air
I search in people's glances
creation reflected in the stares.
I hear your voice
begging mercy for the poor
as your children sleep on sidewalks
hoping to live one day more.
I sense your grace in gardens
in smiling beautiful hearts
in my brothers and sisters
who bring light into the dark.
In church we praise in harmony
a blessed human rainbow
we all reflect your lovely face
glimpse of heaven on earth below.
At first I did not find you
I saw suffering and only pain
then I saw you would use me
sunshine through the rain.
So I thank you for the city
and I thank you for the grime
I thank you for the subways
and I thank you for this time
I will thank you for the children
and I thank you for this place
I thank you for showing me
the city side of grace.
you've shown me the trees
I can see your imprint
in the fragrant ocean's breeze.
The flowers are your thumbprint
the very rocks cry out
every work of nature
to it's Maker forever shouts.
But where can I find you now?
so unsure of your place
I find myself ever searching
for a glimpse of sweet grace.
I can see you even now
so far from what I've known
everything looks so different
from the place I call home.
You whisper in the wind
that sweeps across my face
reminding me that I am called
to always sing your praise.
So I find you on the sidewalks
in the grit of city air
I search in people's glances
creation reflected in the stares.
I hear your voice
begging mercy for the poor
as your children sleep on sidewalks
hoping to live one day more.
I sense your grace in gardens
in smiling beautiful hearts
in my brothers and sisters
who bring light into the dark.
In church we praise in harmony
a blessed human rainbow
we all reflect your lovely face
glimpse of heaven on earth below.
At first I did not find you
I saw suffering and only pain
then I saw you would use me
sunshine through the rain.
So I thank you for the city
and I thank you for the grime
I thank you for the subways
and I thank you for this time
I will thank you for the children
and I thank you for this place
I thank you for showing me
the city side of grace.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Philly grabbed my heart and won't freakin let go!
I love it here. It's so wonderfully overwhelming and beautiful. The people here (MC campus at least) are fabulous, my profs are brilliant, and there is so much to do all the time. ALL the time. Fanflippintastic. I can't wait for friends to come visit. I can't wait to see my beloved Tam. I can't wait to understand the subway system. I can't wait for springtime in the city. I can't wait to make deeper friendship with these people. I can't wait for my urban field experience. I can't wait for late nights and all-too-early mornings.
Most of all, I can't WAIT to see what God has for me here.
Most of all, I can't WAIT to see what God has for me here.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Headed to Boston
I am so excited I finally get to go to Boston and see Kirsten's apartment and everything! So excited. In one week... I'll be in Philly. It's so surreal! I am excited and nervous all at once. I seriously cannot wait.
My last entry was a bit dramatic so I deleted it. I had a good New Years. New Years Eve is always a disappointment, isn't it? It's like, no matter what you're doing, you're still not doing something else. Someone I know, or, thought I knew, really shocked me with his insensitivity. And not just towards me, which I've almost come to expect, but to his very best friends. It broke my heart to find that they spent New Years Eve crying over it. It's hard to believe someone so nice could be such a jackass. Oh yeah, and the boys just went to Messiah... and didn't invite me to come along even though I would've gone in a heartbeat. Jerks.
I had coffee with my CT girls the other night, and I really had a good time. I wish Sarah could've been there, but she's already back at school. I miss my Messiah girls... omg I miss them so much. I don't think I'll be able to make it down there before Philly and it sucks. I think I overestimated how much longer of a break I have.
Well, I am not sure what else to update on... love yas.
My last entry was a bit dramatic so I deleted it. I had a good New Years. New Years Eve is always a disappointment, isn't it? It's like, no matter what you're doing, you're still not doing something else. Someone I know, or, thought I knew, really shocked me with his insensitivity. And not just towards me, which I've almost come to expect, but to his very best friends. It broke my heart to find that they spent New Years Eve crying over it. It's hard to believe someone so nice could be such a jackass. Oh yeah, and the boys just went to Messiah... and didn't invite me to come along even though I would've gone in a heartbeat. Jerks.
I had coffee with my CT girls the other night, and I really had a good time. I wish Sarah could've been there, but she's already back at school. I miss my Messiah girls... omg I miss them so much. I don't think I'll be able to make it down there before Philly and it sucks. I think I overestimated how much longer of a break I have.
Well, I am not sure what else to update on... love yas.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Last night in Grantham
Wow our room is so bare... it is lonely and beige and ugly. Goodbye, B19, you were good to me... you were home.
FYI- the times that show up as when I wrote my posts are like, 4 hours off. So just add four hours to the time when you see them. I only say this because sometimes I want the time to add effect to what I'm writing... and I can't seem to fix it. You used to be able to control on the bottom of what you were writing what time it said. Not anymore. Just thought you should know.
As soon as my Social Research paper is finished, I will most likely be turning my computer off and packing it into the car. So this will be my last post in Grantham for a long time... I'll try and update over Christmas break, and then I will be in Philadelphia. Oh man... what did I get myself into?
FYI- the times that show up as when I wrote my posts are like, 4 hours off. So just add four hours to the time when you see them. I only say this because sometimes I want the time to add effect to what I'm writing... and I can't seem to fix it. You used to be able to control on the bottom of what you were writing what time it said. Not anymore. Just thought you should know.
As soon as my Social Research paper is finished, I will most likely be turning my computer off and packing it into the car. So this will be my last post in Grantham for a long time... I'll try and update over Christmas break, and then I will be in Philadelphia. Oh man... what did I get myself into?
i should be sleeping
48 hours and I'll be home. Less than that, in fact. It's so crazy... I don't even know where this semester went. Lots of people say that, but I mean it completely and totally. It flew. I don't even want to imagine what saying goodbye is going to be like...yeah, I know I'll see them again, but it's not the same. It's just not and saying it will be doesn't make it different, so don't try.
I'm not sure what to make of myself right now. I'm sort of a jumble of thoughts and ideas, emotions and revelations, fears and insights, doubts and insecurity. I'm self confident and perpetually self concious... humble and grotesquely prideful... happy and desperately lonely... single and practically married (haha suspence)... devoted and frighteningly carefree. I feel like I am everything and anything imaginable, yet nothing of substance. What a terrible thing to try to explain. Sorry about that, haha.
Nearly 20, which also means nearly 21 if history repeats itself and this year flies too quickly as well. No more "teen"... I can't believe it. 20 sounds so old. I'm sure everyone says this. One more quick thing... I've been single forever. I get the feeling I'm nearing the end of singleness (hate the word singlehood...like it's my job or something). Being a fully functioning human, not to mention female, it has been difficult to be patient...to believe there was something better than what was in front of my face, and keeping up the hope that waiting would be better in the end. Perhaps this awareness that my odds are increasing that I will find someone soon is making me a bit frightened. I guess I always thought of a relationship and everything as being a "someday" kind of thing. I guess I'm just realizing that it might not be far away. It makes me excited, because I still want it just as much as anyone my age. At the same time...it scares me because I know that if it happens, it's actually gonna happen. Like, it's not gonna be a 2-week thing. Now, saying itll be marriage is a bit far-fetched, that is a little too much pressure at the beginning of a relationship. But after waiting this long, it's like, why would I waste time on someone I wasn't crazy about and who wasn't crazy about me? I just want it all...the flowers, the cheesy stuff, the dates, the long talks...but I want something more. I need a friend and confidant, and he hasn't found me yet. I'm excited for whats to come, but I'm scared as heck...
I'm not sure what to make of myself right now. I'm sort of a jumble of thoughts and ideas, emotions and revelations, fears and insights, doubts and insecurity. I'm self confident and perpetually self concious... humble and grotesquely prideful... happy and desperately lonely... single and practically married (haha suspence)... devoted and frighteningly carefree. I feel like I am everything and anything imaginable, yet nothing of substance. What a terrible thing to try to explain. Sorry about that, haha.
Nearly 20, which also means nearly 21 if history repeats itself and this year flies too quickly as well. No more "teen"... I can't believe it. 20 sounds so old. I'm sure everyone says this. One more quick thing... I've been single forever. I get the feeling I'm nearing the end of singleness (hate the word singlehood...like it's my job or something). Being a fully functioning human, not to mention female, it has been difficult to be patient...to believe there was something better than what was in front of my face, and keeping up the hope that waiting would be better in the end. Perhaps this awareness that my odds are increasing that I will find someone soon is making me a bit frightened. I guess I always thought of a relationship and everything as being a "someday" kind of thing. I guess I'm just realizing that it might not be far away. It makes me excited, because I still want it just as much as anyone my age. At the same time...it scares me because I know that if it happens, it's actually gonna happen. Like, it's not gonna be a 2-week thing. Now, saying itll be marriage is a bit far-fetched, that is a little too much pressure at the beginning of a relationship. But after waiting this long, it's like, why would I waste time on someone I wasn't crazy about and who wasn't crazy about me? I just want it all...the flowers, the cheesy stuff, the dates, the long talks...but I want something more. I need a friend and confidant, and he hasn't found me yet. I'm excited for whats to come, but I'm scared as heck...
Friday, December 09, 2005
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Seasons
Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, of freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children’s gaze, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder,
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrended to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in mid September, and sending us inside
Still I notice you when you change begins, and I am braced for cooler winds
I will offer thanks for what has been, and what’s to come
You are autumn
And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
Still I notice you when branches crack, and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, you open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me move, with every seasons change
And so it will be as you are recreating me
Summer,
Autumn,
Winter,
Spring.
Nichole Nordeman
And early in July, a celebration, of freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children’s gaze, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder,
You are summer
And even when the trees have just surrended to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in mid September, and sending us inside
Still I notice you when you change begins, and I am braced for cooler winds
I will offer thanks for what has been, and what’s to come
You are autumn
And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
Still I notice you when branches crack, and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, you open doors for life to enter
You are winter
And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me move, with every seasons change
And so it will be as you are recreating me
Summer,
Autumn,
Winter,
Spring.
Nichole Nordeman
Monday, December 05, 2005
I Still
I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.
I was too lost
to find my own way
I tried
and fell
into the depths.
A heart alone
will not survive.
Screaming in agony
excruciating knowledge
of my own wretchedness
audible was only a whisper
and no one heard.
Except
the love of the Father
heard me before
my mouth first opened
and before I realized
the love I had longed for
I was drenched
in living water.
the rod and staff
which in wrong hands
have beat me
into fearful submission
now comfort me
The arms of a Savior
cradle this lamb
I am lead in paths
of righteousness
and His name I bless.
Unrecognizable
from the torture
of the flames
my reward for obedience
I have never felt so alone
my hand reaches forward
and finds my Rescuer
amidst me in my pain
His blood of healing
His reward for obedience.
Earth shaken
stability has gone missing
with the displacement
of all that I knew
and when I feel
that I will surely
slip through the cracks
unnoticed
I find the gaps sealed
melded with the protection
of a Holy Love.
I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.
I will hold unswervingly
to the faith I profess
for He who promised
is faithful.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.
I was too lost
to find my own way
I tried
and fell
into the depths.
A heart alone
will not survive.
Screaming in agony
excruciating knowledge
of my own wretchedness
audible was only a whisper
and no one heard.
Except
the love of the Father
heard me before
my mouth first opened
and before I realized
the love I had longed for
I was drenched
in living water.
the rod and staff
which in wrong hands
have beat me
into fearful submission
now comfort me
The arms of a Savior
cradle this lamb
I am lead in paths
of righteousness
and His name I bless.
Unrecognizable
from the torture
of the flames
my reward for obedience
I have never felt so alone
my hand reaches forward
and finds my Rescuer
amidst me in my pain
His blood of healing
His reward for obedience.
Earth shaken
stability has gone missing
with the displacement
of all that I knew
and when I feel
that I will surely
slip through the cracks
unnoticed
I find the gaps sealed
melded with the protection
of a Holy Love.
I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.
I will hold unswervingly
to the faith I profess
for He who promised
is faithful.
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
h.o.p.e.
Father,
I'm finding it hard to hope.
A rock of burden is pressing
on my chest and weakening my resolve.
I want to trust.
I want to believe.
I want to know.
It seems like everytime
I begin to hope for
something
it is ripped out
from under me
torn from my vision
grabbed from my hands
and each disappearance
takes just a bit
of my heart.
I'm finding it hard to hope
with my dreams in shambles.
Everything I longed for
is now so far away.
My heart has been
torn out
spit on
ripped apart
stomped on
bulldozed
muddied
scraped off the streets
with remnants of
hope still visable
in the wreckage.
I'm finding it hard to hope
when I never feel good enough
pretty enough
smart enough
thin enough
worthy enough.
It's hard to think
that one day
some day
things will be different
and someone will come along
who will see me
the way you do.
Please
Prove me wrong
and teach me
to hope again.
I'm finding it hard to hope.
A rock of burden is pressing
on my chest and weakening my resolve.
I want to trust.
I want to believe.
I want to know.
It seems like everytime
I begin to hope for
something
it is ripped out
from under me
torn from my vision
grabbed from my hands
and each disappearance
takes just a bit
of my heart.
I'm finding it hard to hope
with my dreams in shambles.
Everything I longed for
is now so far away.
My heart has been
torn out
spit on
ripped apart
stomped on
bulldozed
muddied
scraped off the streets
with remnants of
hope still visable
in the wreckage.
I'm finding it hard to hope
when I never feel good enough
pretty enough
smart enough
thin enough
worthy enough.
It's hard to think
that one day
some day
things will be different
and someone will come along
who will see me
the way you do.
Please
Prove me wrong
and teach me
to hope again.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Thanksgiving HOTness
So if you read Joanna's blog, you'll know pretty much how this past weekend was. If not, lemme fill you in. I'm thoroughly disillusioned with 99% of CT people. I called, I waited... nothin. Whatever, I guess that's what happens when you grow up. But Kay See and Tam came home with me, which was an amazingly fun time and an astounding lack of drama. Two thumbs up for uncatty and selfless girls, you're all too rare these days. On Thanksgiving, we had 2 students from China over from the University of Bridgeport. Their names were Nicole and Sasha (their American names). I totally believe God brought Kay See home with me for a reason. She was able to translate for both my family and the girls (even though they were pretty good at English, there were some words we just couldn't get), so we were able to move beyond simple conversation with them. We even played the "ungame"! Ok, it's when you answer questions on these cards... not difficult, but definetly fun.
I'm so grateful that I'm still friends with Joanna. She (and of course the Allen fam) makes CT okay. We acted like such kids this week. We colored in coloring books (with a box of 96 brand new crayons!), we watched Madagascar, we failed miserably at making a gingerbread house, drank yummy cocoa, and dressed up like I haven't dressed up in at least 10 years. It was fabulously fun.
So I am so sad that in a matter of days I will be packing up my dorm room, which has definetly become a home for me. These next months will be a constant test of my faith, because I'm going into the unknown and living in a situation that is completely foreign to me. I have to believe that this is preparing me for things to come... whatever that will mean for my life. But seriously, I will miss Tamarind like I can't even explain. I wish I could take her with me, but I know God wants her here to be there for her girls.
P.S. Might be living in Rafiki House next year, pray that everything falls into place, I am so excited for it!
I'm so grateful that I'm still friends with Joanna. She (and of course the Allen fam) makes CT okay. We acted like such kids this week. We colored in coloring books (with a box of 96 brand new crayons!), we watched Madagascar, we failed miserably at making a gingerbread house, drank yummy cocoa, and dressed up like I haven't dressed up in at least 10 years. It was fabulously fun.
So I am so sad that in a matter of days I will be packing up my dorm room, which has definetly become a home for me. These next months will be a constant test of my faith, because I'm going into the unknown and living in a situation that is completely foreign to me. I have to believe that this is preparing me for things to come... whatever that will mean for my life. But seriously, I will miss Tamarind like I can't even explain. I wish I could take her with me, but I know God wants her here to be there for her girls.
P.S. Might be living in Rafiki House next year, pray that everything falls into place, I am so excited for it!
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Little bit o'homesickness
No poem tonight.
It's strange, I'm a little homesick right now. I wanna know what's going on. I got to talk to Kirsten for an hour today, and it made my day. I miss her. I'm sad that it took us so long to remind ourselves we love each other. I miss Dana, and I'm sad that I have no clue who her boyfriend is... I'm sad that I'm not her best friend anymore and that we have to grow up. I miss Tracy and her smile. I'm sad that she's not a little girl anymore. I miss my mom and I miss telling her everything. I miss dependency. I'm sad that it won't be long til her house is not longer my house. I miss my dad and big backbreaking hugs. I miss the scent of a man that lingers on your clothes... and the comfort of knowing it's a man who's loved you since he laid eyes on you. I'm sad that I don't put in more effort to keep him updated on my life. I even miss Jessie and being the second-favorite. I miss her running away from everyone to follow mom around, and feeling her convulse during thunder storms. I am ready to be in the Allen house.
Beth's wedding is this weekend. I'm glad I have a date, that was so much pressure on me. I don't like things where you are forced to bring someone, it's like what about the single people? Cut us a break! So let's hope the fam doesn't read too much into this bringinghomeness, but theyre cool so I'm sure they won't.
Sometimes I feel so confused about what God has for me. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to get married... maybe it's the culture I'm immersed in right now or just the large culture I was raised in that makes me feel like I have to prove myself to someone. It's not my only goal, certainly. But hey... lets be honest, it's something I want. Sometimes I kinda wish it would just happen soon cuz it always feels like I've been waiting forever. Yet waiting on God's timing, I have to believe, will ultimately be worth all the years of singlehood and lonely nights. I'm thankful for my friends and the blessing they are to me everysingleday. And jobs... gosh, people have got to stop telling me I better figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm freakin 19 years old, people! relax a bit. there you go, feel better?
I sure do.
It's strange, I'm a little homesick right now. I wanna know what's going on. I got to talk to Kirsten for an hour today, and it made my day. I miss her. I'm sad that it took us so long to remind ourselves we love each other. I miss Dana, and I'm sad that I have no clue who her boyfriend is... I'm sad that I'm not her best friend anymore and that we have to grow up. I miss Tracy and her smile. I'm sad that she's not a little girl anymore. I miss my mom and I miss telling her everything. I miss dependency. I'm sad that it won't be long til her house is not longer my house. I miss my dad and big backbreaking hugs. I miss the scent of a man that lingers on your clothes... and the comfort of knowing it's a man who's loved you since he laid eyes on you. I'm sad that I don't put in more effort to keep him updated on my life. I even miss Jessie and being the second-favorite. I miss her running away from everyone to follow mom around, and feeling her convulse during thunder storms. I am ready to be in the Allen house.
Beth's wedding is this weekend. I'm glad I have a date, that was so much pressure on me. I don't like things where you are forced to bring someone, it's like what about the single people? Cut us a break! So let's hope the fam doesn't read too much into this bringinghomeness, but theyre cool so I'm sure they won't.
Sometimes I feel so confused about what God has for me. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to get married... maybe it's the culture I'm immersed in right now or just the large culture I was raised in that makes me feel like I have to prove myself to someone. It's not my only goal, certainly. But hey... lets be honest, it's something I want. Sometimes I kinda wish it would just happen soon cuz it always feels like I've been waiting forever. Yet waiting on God's timing, I have to believe, will ultimately be worth all the years of singlehood and lonely nights. I'm thankful for my friends and the blessing they are to me everysingleday. And jobs... gosh, people have got to stop telling me I better figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm freakin 19 years old, people! relax a bit. there you go, feel better?
I sure do.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
A Rant on Culture
Dear culture,
media magazines commercials movies shows advertisements
whoever you are.
Your faces are hidden from us
but you'll put another's face
and let's be honest
body
on your product to degrade us
just a bit more.
I see bones
ribcages and elbows
that could poke my eye out.
I see makeup
cakes of mascara and foundation
quick, cover up who that girl really is.
I see hairspray
impossible feats of modern technology
I'm pretty sure hair shouldn't do that.
I see sunken eyes
some say when you don't eat
you get sick and gross.
I concur.
I see flat chests
I didn't know 12yearold boys
were in style this season.
Guess I'm not up on the trends.
I see organs
I know I shouldn't be able to
but when you weigh less than a flea
they gotta pop out somewhere.
I see legs
I think they're legs.
They're longer than my whole body
the knees knock together
but the thighs don't dare touch.
I see girls.
Bodies too old
minds too young
for this garbage heap of a society.
My God, where are the women?
What happened to
Marilyn Monroe
Jean Harlow
Katherine Hepburn
Elizabeth Taylor
Women who had curves
had bodies
not bones.
Had hips and breasts and thighs and waists
stomachs and lips and butts and grace
We need women
women
real women
what are we learning?
what are we teaching?
Who will stand
beauty in hand
be unafraid to shine
in the glow of the gift
of
a
womans
curves.
Join me on the fat side
of the media.
Size 12
is as lovely
as size 2.
I'm done.
media magazines commercials movies shows advertisements
whoever you are.
Your faces are hidden from us
but you'll put another's face
and let's be honest
body
on your product to degrade us
just a bit more.
I see bones
ribcages and elbows
that could poke my eye out.
I see makeup
cakes of mascara and foundation
quick, cover up who that girl really is.
I see hairspray
impossible feats of modern technology
I'm pretty sure hair shouldn't do that.
I see sunken eyes
some say when you don't eat
you get sick and gross.
I concur.
I see flat chests
I didn't know 12yearold boys
were in style this season.
Guess I'm not up on the trends.
I see organs
I know I shouldn't be able to
but when you weigh less than a flea
they gotta pop out somewhere.
I see legs
I think they're legs.
They're longer than my whole body
the knees knock together
but the thighs don't dare touch.
I see girls.
Bodies too old
minds too young
for this garbage heap of a society.
My God, where are the women?
What happened to
Marilyn Monroe
Jean Harlow
Katherine Hepburn
Elizabeth Taylor
Women who had curves
had bodies
not bones.
Had hips and breasts and thighs and waists
stomachs and lips and butts and grace
We need women
women
real women
what are we learning?
what are we teaching?
Who will stand
beauty in hand
be unafraid to shine
in the glow of the gift
of
a
womans
curves.
Join me on the fat side
of the media.
Size 12
is as lovely
as size 2.
I'm done.
Friday, November 04, 2005
lovely revelation
Something I love about God
is I can sit in the study room
whisper the depths of my heart to Him
leave with the burden lifted.
I love that He listened
and while my lips said "insignifigant"
He read my heart instead
He heard what I could not say.
I love that He calms me
that I feel His love around me
like swimming in the cool ocean
on the hottest of summer days.
I love that really...what is so small
but holds such implications
He understands, He weeps for me,
He places my wounded heart on his wounded hands.
I love that He wiped away
the darkness I felt
the cruel whispers that permeated the depths of me
blinded me and calloused me.
I love that He surprised me
merely asking for my heart
I am the costliest of lovers
yet intimacy is what He desired.
The study room
an interesting place to find
the Love of your life.
And a lovely surprise
to end the night
just to show me He cares.
just to show me I'm worth
the sacrifice
the cost
the fight
just to show me I'm valuable.
The sweet answer of a prayer
whispered in a closet
wrapped in something visible
my Jesus gave me the answer to my question
You are beautiful to me
You are loved by me
You are cherished by me
You are treasured and adored by me.
Let me be enough,
I am true love's form
You were worth my life
I gave it gladly
now trust me with the rest.
I love you.
is I can sit in the study room
whisper the depths of my heart to Him
leave with the burden lifted.
I love that He listened
and while my lips said "insignifigant"
He read my heart instead
He heard what I could not say.
I love that He calms me
that I feel His love around me
like swimming in the cool ocean
on the hottest of summer days.
I love that really...what is so small
but holds such implications
He understands, He weeps for me,
He places my wounded heart on his wounded hands.
I love that He wiped away
the darkness I felt
the cruel whispers that permeated the depths of me
blinded me and calloused me.
I love that He surprised me
merely asking for my heart
I am the costliest of lovers
yet intimacy is what He desired.
The study room
an interesting place to find
the Love of your life.
And a lovely surprise
to end the night
just to show me He cares.
just to show me I'm worth
the sacrifice
the cost
the fight
just to show me I'm valuable.
The sweet answer of a prayer
whispered in a closet
wrapped in something visible
my Jesus gave me the answer to my question
You are beautiful to me
You are loved by me
You are cherished by me
You are treasured and adored by me.
Let me be enough,
I am true love's form
You were worth my life
I gave it gladly
now trust me with the rest.
I love you.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
call me
I don't want to be called nice.
It's too easy, too simply stated
for a girl as complex as me.
Nice is for the sidelines,
fake smile plastered to a wounded heart
a mediocre costume of femininity
that has been overlooked once again.
I don't want to be called pretty.
That's what your girl friends say
when you wear a bit of makeup
and blow your hair out just right.
It's nothing beyond the day,
the value is gone once the facade
washes down the drain.
I don't want to be called hot.
It degrades me, reduces me to body.
I'm not a spectacle, open to these
unrefined words and crude desires.
The essense of me is hidden
deep inside
and it takes more than words to draw it out.
I don't want to be called cute.
Do I resemble a puppy? A kitten? A child?
I've grown beyond the days of curled hair
pink cheeks and party dresses.
I am a woman
of depth, of wounds, of sex, of strength.
I want to be called beautiful.
Beauty is enduring
longer than a day, longer than a night together.
Beauty enchants, mesmerizes, inspires
the words of poets and the strokes of painters.
Beauty erupts from the deepest volcano
hot lava of woman spilling everywhere.
I want to be called beloved.
I want to know I'm adored
cherished and treasured.
I want to twirl in my heels
into the dancing arms of a man.
I want to dazzle with my smile,
into the captivated arms of a man.
I want to enrapture with my heart,
into the loving arms of a man.
And I want to awaken with my purity
the longing arms of a man
naked
unashamed
beloved
beautiful.
It's too easy, too simply stated
for a girl as complex as me.
Nice is for the sidelines,
fake smile plastered to a wounded heart
a mediocre costume of femininity
that has been overlooked once again.
I don't want to be called pretty.
That's what your girl friends say
when you wear a bit of makeup
and blow your hair out just right.
It's nothing beyond the day,
the value is gone once the facade
washes down the drain.
I don't want to be called hot.
It degrades me, reduces me to body.
I'm not a spectacle, open to these
unrefined words and crude desires.
The essense of me is hidden
deep inside
and it takes more than words to draw it out.
I don't want to be called cute.
Do I resemble a puppy? A kitten? A child?
I've grown beyond the days of curled hair
pink cheeks and party dresses.
I am a woman
of depth, of wounds, of sex, of strength.
I want to be called beautiful.
Beauty is enduring
longer than a day, longer than a night together.
Beauty enchants, mesmerizes, inspires
the words of poets and the strokes of painters.
Beauty erupts from the deepest volcano
hot lava of woman spilling everywhere.
I want to be called beloved.
I want to know I'm adored
cherished and treasured.
I want to twirl in my heels
into the dancing arms of a man.
I want to dazzle with my smile,
into the captivated arms of a man.
I want to enrapture with my heart,
into the loving arms of a man.
And I want to awaken with my purity
the longing arms of a man
naked
unashamed
beloved
beautiful.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Two-Day-Old Popcorn
God is so frankin good.
I must admit, I've always struggled with feeling a sense of completion. I've always paid so much attention to the fact that I don't really know what I want to do with my life, I don't really know what's going on with my family, I don't know when the smack I'll get a boyfriend...but you know what?
WHO CARES?!?!
I've never felt so satisfied in my entire life. I think during fall break I made the connection... this thing I thought I wanted, turned out to be something I can live without. That is so huge for me! I am a whole person, I am fulfilled by my Savior. I love it love it love it! God is so faithful, AHLOVEIT!
Tonight is Rafiki Bible Study which I have missed like whoa, and then who knows for the rest of the night. I was supposed to host 2 kids from Urban Promise... but then yesterday I got an email that said they didn't need me. So I canceled plans and here I am with nothin to do, lol. Tomorrow night I'm going out with Mobile Mission from my school and I'm flipping excited! I guess it's something like the Rescue Mission, which I just miss so incredibly much. I miss the people, the horrific sweating, the community, and the rewarding feeling of knowing I had helped. Sunday I'm going to church with Nethaniel and crew in the morning, Hannah at night. Both churches are pretty cool... we'll see what happens.
Thanks people, for reading my ramblings.
I must admit, I've always struggled with feeling a sense of completion. I've always paid so much attention to the fact that I don't really know what I want to do with my life, I don't really know what's going on with my family, I don't know when the smack I'll get a boyfriend...but you know what?
WHO CARES?!?!
I've never felt so satisfied in my entire life. I think during fall break I made the connection... this thing I thought I wanted, turned out to be something I can live without. That is so huge for me! I am a whole person, I am fulfilled by my Savior. I love it love it love it! God is so faithful, AHLOVEIT!
Tonight is Rafiki Bible Study which I have missed like whoa, and then who knows for the rest of the night. I was supposed to host 2 kids from Urban Promise... but then yesterday I got an email that said they didn't need me. So I canceled plans and here I am with nothin to do, lol. Tomorrow night I'm going out with Mobile Mission from my school and I'm flipping excited! I guess it's something like the Rescue Mission, which I just miss so incredibly much. I miss the people, the horrific sweating, the community, and the rewarding feeling of knowing I had helped. Sunday I'm going to church with Nethaniel and crew in the morning, Hannah at night. Both churches are pretty cool... we'll see what happens.
Thanks people, for reading my ramblings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)