Last night in Grantham

Wow our room is so bare... it is lonely and beige and ugly. Goodbye, B19, you were good to me... you were home.

FYI- the times that show up as when I wrote my posts are like, 4 hours off. So just add four hours to the time when you see them. I only say this because sometimes I want the time to add effect to what I'm writing... and I can't seem to fix it. You used to be able to control on the bottom of what you were writing what time it said. Not anymore. Just thought you should know.

As soon as my Social Research paper is finished, I will most likely be turning my computer off and packing it into the car. So this will be my last post in Grantham for a long time... I'll try and update over Christmas break, and then I will be in Philadelphia. Oh man... what did I get myself into?

i should be sleeping

48 hours and I'll be home. Less than that, in fact. It's so crazy... I don't even know where this semester went. Lots of people say that, but I mean it completely and totally. It flew. I don't even want to imagine what saying goodbye is going to be like...yeah, I know I'll see them again, but it's not the same. It's just not and saying it will be doesn't make it different, so don't try.
I'm not sure what to make of myself right now. I'm sort of a jumble of thoughts and ideas, emotions and revelations, fears and insights, doubts and insecurity. I'm self confident and perpetually self concious... humble and grotesquely prideful... happy and desperately lonely... single and practically married (haha suspence)... devoted and frighteningly carefree. I feel like I am everything and anything imaginable, yet nothing of substance. What a terrible thing to try to explain. Sorry about that, haha.
Nearly 20, which also means nearly 21 if history repeats itself and this year flies too quickly as well. No more "teen"... I can't believe it. 20 sounds so old. I'm sure everyone says this. One more quick thing... I've been single forever. I get the feeling I'm nearing the end of singleness (hate the word singlehood...like it's my job or something). Being a fully functioning human, not to mention female, it has been difficult to be patient...to believe there was something better than what was in front of my face, and keeping up the hope that waiting would be better in the end. Perhaps this awareness that my odds are increasing that I will find someone soon is making me a bit frightened. I guess I always thought of a relationship and everything as being a "someday" kind of thing. I guess I'm just realizing that it might not be far away. It makes me excited, because I still want it just as much as anyone my age. At the same time...it scares me because I know that if it happens, it's actually gonna happen. Like, it's not gonna be a 2-week thing. Now, saying itll be marriage is a bit far-fetched, that is a little too much pressure at the beginning of a relationship. But after waiting this long, it's like, why would I waste time on someone I wasn't crazy about and who wasn't crazy about me? I just want it all...the flowers, the cheesy stuff, the dates, the long talks...but I want something more. I need a friend and confidant, and he hasn't found me yet. I'm excited for whats to come, but I'm scared as heck...

Peace

He is a God of peace.
Thankfully.
I love Him,
I absolutely do.

Seasons

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, of freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children’s gaze, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder,
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrended to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in mid September, and sending us inside
Still I notice you when you change begins, and I am braced for cooler winds
I will offer thanks for what has been, and what’s to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation shivers underneath
Still I notice you when branches crack, and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death, you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced, teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed, turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me move, with every seasons change
And so it will be as you are recreating me
Summer,
Autumn,
Winter,
Spring.
Nichole Nordeman

I Still

I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.

I was too lost
to find my own way
I tried
and fell
into the depths.

A heart alone
will not survive.

Screaming in agony
excruciating knowledge
of my own wretchedness
audible was only a whisper
and no one heard.

Except
the love of the Father
heard me before
my mouth first opened
and before I realized
the love I had longed for
I was drenched
in living water.


the rod and staff
which in wrong hands
have beat me
into fearful submission
now comfort me
The arms of a Savior
cradle this lamb
I am lead in paths
of righteousness
and His name I bless.

Unrecognizable
from the torture
of the flames
my reward for obedience
I have never felt so alone
my hand reaches forward
and finds my Rescuer
amidst me in my pain
His blood of healing
His reward for obedience.

Earth shaken
stability has gone missing
with the displacement
of all that I knew
and when I feel
that I will surely
slip through the cracks
unnoticed
I find the gaps sealed
melded with the protection
of a Holy Love.

I still believe.
Mountains and valleys
earthquakes and fires
have led me to this place
body broken
spirit downcast
mind crumbling
and yet
my heart is Yours.

I will hold unswervingly
to the faith I profess
for He who promised
is faithful.

Faithful

Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4

h.o.p.e.

Father,
I'm finding it hard to hope.
A rock of burden is pressing
on my chest and weakening my resolve.
I want to trust.
I want to believe.
I want to know.
It seems like everytime
I begin to hope for
something
it is ripped out
from under me
torn from my vision
grabbed from my hands
and each disappearance
takes just a bit
of my heart.

I'm finding it hard to hope
with my dreams in shambles.
Everything I longed for
is now so far away.
My heart has been
torn out
spit on
ripped apart
stomped on
bulldozed
muddied
scraped off the streets
with remnants of
hope still visable
in the wreckage.

I'm finding it hard to hope
when I never feel good enough
pretty enough
smart enough
thin enough
worthy enough.
It's hard to think
that one day
some day
things will be different
and someone will come along
who will see me
the way you do.

Please
Prove me wrong
and teach me
to hope again.

Thanksgiving HOTness

So if you read Joanna's blog, you'll know pretty much how this past weekend was. If not, lemme fill you in. I'm thoroughly disillusioned with 99% of CT people. I called, I waited... nothin. Whatever, I guess that's what happens when you grow up. But Kay See and Tam came home with me, which was an amazingly fun time and an astounding lack of drama. Two thumbs up for uncatty and selfless girls, you're all too rare these days. On Thanksgiving, we had 2 students from China over from the University of Bridgeport. Their names were Nicole and Sasha (their American names). I totally believe God brought Kay See home with me for a reason. She was able to translate for both my family and the girls (even though they were pretty good at English, there were some words we just couldn't get), so we were able to move beyond simple conversation with them. We even played the "ungame"! Ok, it's when you answer questions on these cards... not difficult, but definetly fun.
I'm so grateful that I'm still friends with Joanna. She (and of course the Allen fam) makes CT okay. We acted like such kids this week. We colored in coloring books (with a box of 96 brand new crayons!), we watched Madagascar, we failed miserably at making a gingerbread house, drank yummy cocoa, and dressed up like I haven't dressed up in at least 10 years. It was fabulously fun.
So I am so sad that in a matter of days I will be packing up my dorm room, which has definetly become a home for me. These next months will be a constant test of my faith, because I'm going into the unknown and living in a situation that is completely foreign to me. I have to believe that this is preparing me for things to come... whatever that will mean for my life. But seriously, I will miss Tamarind like I can't even explain. I wish I could take her with me, but I know God wants her here to be there for her girls.
P.S. Might be living in Rafiki House next year, pray that everything falls into place, I am so excited for it!

Little bit o'homesickness

No poem tonight.
It's strange, I'm a little homesick right now. I wanna know what's going on. I got to talk to Kirsten for an hour today, and it made my day. I miss her. I'm sad that it took us so long to remind ourselves we love each other. I miss Dana, and I'm sad that I have no clue who her boyfriend is... I'm sad that I'm not her best friend anymore and that we have to grow up. I miss Tracy and her smile. I'm sad that she's not a little girl anymore. I miss my mom and I miss telling her everything. I miss dependency. I'm sad that it won't be long til her house is not longer my house. I miss my dad and big backbreaking hugs. I miss the scent of a man that lingers on your clothes... and the comfort of knowing it's a man who's loved you since he laid eyes on you. I'm sad that I don't put in more effort to keep him updated on my life. I even miss Jessie and being the second-favorite. I miss her running away from everyone to follow mom around, and feeling her convulse during thunder storms. I am ready to be in the Allen house.
Beth's wedding is this weekend. I'm glad I have a date, that was so much pressure on me. I don't like things where you are forced to bring someone, it's like what about the single people? Cut us a break! So let's hope the fam doesn't read too much into this bringinghomeness, but theyre cool so I'm sure they won't.
Sometimes I feel so confused about what God has for me. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to get married... maybe it's the culture I'm immersed in right now or just the large culture I was raised in that makes me feel like I have to prove myself to someone. It's not my only goal, certainly. But hey... lets be honest, it's something I want. Sometimes I kinda wish it would just happen soon cuz it always feels like I've been waiting forever. Yet waiting on God's timing, I have to believe, will ultimately be worth all the years of singlehood and lonely nights. I'm thankful for my friends and the blessing they are to me everysingleday. And jobs... gosh, people have got to stop telling me I better figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm freakin 19 years old, people! relax a bit. there you go, feel better?
I sure do.

A Rant on Culture

Dear culture,
media magazines commercials movies shows advertisements
whoever you are.
Your faces are hidden from us
but you'll put another's face
and let's be honest
body
on your product to degrade us
just a bit more.

I see bones
ribcages and elbows
that could poke my eye out.
I see makeup
cakes of mascara and foundation
quick, cover up who that girl really is.
I see hairspray
impossible feats of modern technology
I'm pretty sure hair shouldn't do that.
I see sunken eyes
some say when you don't eat
you get sick and gross.
I concur.
I see flat chests
I didn't know 12yearold boys
were in style this season.
Guess I'm not up on the trends.
I see organs
I know I shouldn't be able to
but when you weigh less than a flea
they gotta pop out somewhere.
I see legs
I think they're legs.
They're longer than my whole body
the knees knock together
but the thighs don't dare touch.
I see girls.
Bodies too old
minds too young
for this garbage heap of a society.

My God, where are the women?
What happened to
Marilyn Monroe
Jean Harlow
Katherine Hepburn
Elizabeth Taylor
Women who had curves
had bodies
not bones.
Had hips and breasts and thighs and waists
stomachs and lips and butts and grace
We need women
women
real women
what are we learning?
what are we teaching?

Who will stand
beauty in hand
be unafraid to shine
in the glow of the gift
of
a
womans
curves.

Join me on the fat side
of the media.
Size 12
is as lovely
as size 2.
I'm done.

lovely revelation

Something I love about God
is I can sit in the study room
whisper the depths of my heart to Him
leave with the burden lifted.

I love that He listened
and while my lips said "insignifigant"
He read my heart instead
He heard what I could not say.

I love that He calms me
that I feel His love around me
like swimming in the cool ocean
on the hottest of summer days.

I love that really...what is so small
but holds such implications
He understands, He weeps for me,
He places my wounded heart on his wounded hands.

I love that He wiped away
the darkness I felt
the cruel whispers that permeated the depths of me
blinded me and calloused me.

I love that He surprised me
merely asking for my heart
I am the costliest of lovers
yet intimacy is what He desired.

The study room
an interesting place to find
the Love of your life.
And a lovely surprise
to end the night
just to show me He cares.
just to show me I'm worth
the sacrifice
the cost
the fight
just to show me I'm valuable.
The sweet answer of a prayer
whispered in a closet
wrapped in something visible
my Jesus gave me the answer to my question

You are beautiful to me
You are loved by me
You are cherished by me
You are treasured and adored by me.
Let me be enough,
I am true love's form
You were worth my life
I gave it gladly
now trust me with the rest.


I love you.

call me

I don't want to be called nice.
It's too easy, too simply stated
for a girl as complex as me.
Nice is for the sidelines,
fake smile plastered to a wounded heart
a mediocre costume of femininity
that has been overlooked once again.

I don't want to be called pretty.
That's what your girl friends say
when you wear a bit of makeup
and blow your hair out just right.
It's nothing beyond the day,
the value is gone once the facade
washes down the drain.

I don't want to be called hot.
It degrades me, reduces me to body.
I'm not a spectacle, open to these
unrefined words and crude desires.
The essense of me is hidden
deep inside
and it takes more than words to draw it out.

I don't want to be called cute.
Do I resemble a puppy? A kitten? A child?
I've grown beyond the days of curled hair
pink cheeks and party dresses.
I am a woman
of depth, of wounds, of sex, of strength.

I want to be called beautiful.
Beauty is enduring
longer than a day, longer than a night together.
Beauty enchants, mesmerizes, inspires
the words of poets and the strokes of painters.
Beauty erupts from the deepest volcano
hot lava of woman spilling everywhere.

I want to be called beloved.
I want to know I'm adored
cherished and treasured.
I want to twirl in my heels
into the dancing arms of a man.
I want to dazzle with my smile,
into the captivated arms of a man.
I want to enrapture with my heart,
into the loving arms of a man.
And I want to awaken with my purity
the longing arms of a man

naked

unashamed

beloved

beautiful.

Two-Day-Old Popcorn

God is so frankin good.
I must admit, I've always struggled with feeling a sense of completion. I've always paid so much attention to the fact that I don't really know what I want to do with my life, I don't really know what's going on with my family, I don't know when the smack I'll get a boyfriend...but you know what?

WHO CARES?!?!

I've never felt so satisfied in my entire life. I think during fall break I made the connection... this thing I thought I wanted, turned out to be something I can live without. That is so huge for me! I am a whole person, I am fulfilled by my Savior. I love it love it love it! God is so faithful, AHLOVEIT!

Tonight is Rafiki Bible Study which I have missed like whoa, and then who knows for the rest of the night. I was supposed to host 2 kids from Urban Promise... but then yesterday I got an email that said they didn't need me. So I canceled plans and here I am with nothin to do, lol. Tomorrow night I'm going out with Mobile Mission from my school and I'm flipping excited! I guess it's something like the Rescue Mission, which I just miss so incredibly much. I miss the people, the horrific sweating, the community, and the rewarding feeling of knowing I had helped. Sunday I'm going to church with Nethaniel and crew in the morning, Hannah at night. Both churches are pretty cool... we'll see what happens.
Thanks people, for reading my ramblings.

my hand

Sweet Jesus, take my hand.
I've walked so many miles, I've felt so alone.

I've allowed you to walk behind me-
to catch me when I'm falling,
to yell out directions so I can choose to go,
to make sure nothing can snatch me away.

I've allowed you to walk in front of me-
ever running on my own strength, grasping and groping for just one thread of your robe, desperately trying to heal my own pain,
refusing to call out to you.

But now, oh my sweet Jesus, walk beside me.
Take my hand in yours,
guide me with your infinite knowledge and quiet humility.
Walk with me in the cool of the evening,
in the warmth of the sunshine,
in the midst of the storm,
in the quiet of the snow,
in the puddles of the rain.
Talk to me, my love, I long to know you.
I'm desperate for you...
so please, sweet Savior,
walk not behind me,
walk not before me,
but grasp my hand on this winding road of life...
for beside you, oh Lord, is where I will ever be.

Beautiful...

What do I do when I make a commitment to someone?

I make an appointment with someone,
for some unrestricted time,
sometime in his tomorrows,
and all the tomorrows that follow all his yesterdays,
tomorrows that neither one of us can predict.

I stretch myself into a future neither of us can see,
and I plan a rendez-vous there with him,
and ask him to trust me to be there.

I reach into the unpredictable times ahead
and make one thing predictable;
I will be there with him.

I throw myself into the turbulent ocean of his uncertainties
and create an island of certainty there for him,
the certainty of my caring presence.

I create one small space for him to have
when all his foundations shake,
the space of my promised presence.

These are a few of the things I do when I make a commitment.
Lewis B. Smedes, "The Making and Keeping of Commitments"

Maybe Someday...

You Belong in Rome You're a big city girl with a small town heart Which is why you're attracted to the romance of Rome Strolling down picture perfect streets, cappuccino in hand And gorgeous Italian men - could life get any better? What City Do You Belong in? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

Tomorrow

I had a great day today. My French test was so much easier than I thought it would be (!) and I hung out with some super fun people teaching Seida to drive. She did an awesome job!!! WOO! Made dinner but... didn't eat it. Then went to the Carribean Student Association. We talked about stereotypes and it really got me thinking about all the stupid things I do/say. Hmm...
Standing on the edge of a weekend I don't want to begin. I'm not ready to face this death and this reality. I just want normalcy and I want to feel OK.

Rainy is fitting

Please keep my family in your prayers. My cousin died this morning. I'm still in a weird mix of emotions... but I know what's coming up will not be fun.

Joyful

I'm finding myself at perhaps the happiest time in my life. I realized through talking to Hans and Tam that even though I doubted God so much, He has led me to the exact place He wanted me to be. When I remember the things I so earnestly longed for... I laugh a little and look around me. My days are filled with laughter and fellowship, amazing friendships and a total lack of loneliness. As much as I love CT, it was one of the loneliest times of my life this summer. I just felt so...distant. I hate feeling like I'm unwanted somewhere, and I never ever feel that way here.
I love not having the need to impress someone. I'm realizing more and more what a goofball I am... simply for the sake of having fun. I know God is telling me to take advantage of this point in my life. It will be so fleeting. I am seriously a crazy lady. I'll quote Andy here, "I think you're the weirdest girl I've ever met. But it's cool." Thanks, buddy.
I'm so amazingly thankful to God. There is nothing in my life I want to change. I can't wait for everything coming up in life. I LOVE MY LIFE!!! GAH.

Never

Yeah I know
I don't fit your mold.
I don't need reminders
filling the pages of my magazines.
Beauty is pain
beauty is starvation
beauty is burning

your beauty is death.

My hair has roots.
I don't ask it to be
something it's not.
My highlights pick up the sun
and the boys
and bounce relentlessly in wind
But I don't fit the mold.

My eyes are brown
earth and nature and life
breathe through
their honey richness.
They sparkle with love
and joy and peace and happiness.
But I don't fit the mold.

My lips are big
red or pink or brown or beige
a menagerie of kisses.
My teeth are small and white
glamorous pearls to adorn my mouth
my smile can send shivers up your spine.
But I don't fit the mold.

My breasts are soft hills
displaying my womanhood
wrapped in clothen sheathes
they tell a story of days to come
when they will serve
most beautiful of purposes.
But I don't fit the mold.

My hands are soft and subtle
tiny and young in size
they weave stories
with their fluid motions
and tease and caress
and guide and comfort.
But I don't fit the mold.

My waist is tiny
as it was in youth
two mere hands breadth its circumference.
It is the precipice
of my hour glassed figure
it serves as my strength.
But I don't fit the mold.

My butt is large and shapely
hard as a rock
yet soft as a whisper.
It leaves you jealous
wondering and speechless
and it ties me to those I call home.
But I don't fit the mold.

My hips sway
back and forth back and forth
the tightrope wire of walking.
I sway like branches
dancing in a summer storm
I scream femininity.
But I don't fit the mold.

My legs are powerful
short in stature
mighty in size.
I don't lend to twigs
and sticks and rods and rails
I embrace my trunks of steel.
But I don't fit the mold.

My feet are miniature
seemingly bound in size
delicately gentle and yet
the foundation of my being
the stronghold of body
meshed in two fragile beings.
But I don't fit the mold.

I know that I am beautiful.

But no matter what
I won't fit into
your cookie cutter world
of beauty.

I am my own vision
of strength and valor
and love and wisdom
and power and beauty.
I refuse to bow to
your world of confusion.

I love myself
body
mind
heart
and you will not break me.