Tomorrow

I had a great day today. My French test was so much easier than I thought it would be (!) and I hung out with some super fun people teaching Seida to drive. She did an awesome job!!! WOO! Made dinner but... didn't eat it. Then went to the Carribean Student Association. We talked about stereotypes and it really got me thinking about all the stupid things I do/say. Hmm...
Standing on the edge of a weekend I don't want to begin. I'm not ready to face this death and this reality. I just want normalcy and I want to feel OK.

Rainy is fitting

Please keep my family in your prayers. My cousin died this morning. I'm still in a weird mix of emotions... but I know what's coming up will not be fun.

Joyful

I'm finding myself at perhaps the happiest time in my life. I realized through talking to Hans and Tam that even though I doubted God so much, He has led me to the exact place He wanted me to be. When I remember the things I so earnestly longed for... I laugh a little and look around me. My days are filled with laughter and fellowship, amazing friendships and a total lack of loneliness. As much as I love CT, it was one of the loneliest times of my life this summer. I just felt so...distant. I hate feeling like I'm unwanted somewhere, and I never ever feel that way here.
I love not having the need to impress someone. I'm realizing more and more what a goofball I am... simply for the sake of having fun. I know God is telling me to take advantage of this point in my life. It will be so fleeting. I am seriously a crazy lady. I'll quote Andy here, "I think you're the weirdest girl I've ever met. But it's cool." Thanks, buddy.
I'm so amazingly thankful to God. There is nothing in my life I want to change. I can't wait for everything coming up in life. I LOVE MY LIFE!!! GAH.

Never

Yeah I know
I don't fit your mold.
I don't need reminders
filling the pages of my magazines.
Beauty is pain
beauty is starvation
beauty is burning

your beauty is death.

My hair has roots.
I don't ask it to be
something it's not.
My highlights pick up the sun
and the boys
and bounce relentlessly in wind
But I don't fit the mold.

My eyes are brown
earth and nature and life
breathe through
their honey richness.
They sparkle with love
and joy and peace and happiness.
But I don't fit the mold.

My lips are big
red or pink or brown or beige
a menagerie of kisses.
My teeth are small and white
glamorous pearls to adorn my mouth
my smile can send shivers up your spine.
But I don't fit the mold.

My breasts are soft hills
displaying my womanhood
wrapped in clothen sheathes
they tell a story of days to come
when they will serve
most beautiful of purposes.
But I don't fit the mold.

My hands are soft and subtle
tiny and young in size
they weave stories
with their fluid motions
and tease and caress
and guide and comfort.
But I don't fit the mold.

My waist is tiny
as it was in youth
two mere hands breadth its circumference.
It is the precipice
of my hour glassed figure
it serves as my strength.
But I don't fit the mold.

My butt is large and shapely
hard as a rock
yet soft as a whisper.
It leaves you jealous
wondering and speechless
and it ties me to those I call home.
But I don't fit the mold.

My hips sway
back and forth back and forth
the tightrope wire of walking.
I sway like branches
dancing in a summer storm
I scream femininity.
But I don't fit the mold.

My legs are powerful
short in stature
mighty in size.
I don't lend to twigs
and sticks and rods and rails
I embrace my trunks of steel.
But I don't fit the mold.

My feet are miniature
seemingly bound in size
delicately gentle and yet
the foundation of my being
the stronghold of body
meshed in two fragile beings.
But I don't fit the mold.

I know that I am beautiful.

But no matter what
I won't fit into
your cookie cutter world
of beauty.

I am my own vision
of strength and valor
and love and wisdom
and power and beauty.
I refuse to bow to
your world of confusion.

I love myself
body
mind
heart
and you will not break me.

JACK 

Jack Johnson is my lova

Jack Johnson is AMAZING!!! The concert, minus the crowd, was one of the best experiences of my life. Great music, great weather, great company. Hannah, Caitlin, Danny, Derek, thanks for an awesome time. You guys are a blast and I love ya to pieces.
So, college is fabulous. Heehee. Living with Hannah is great and our room is freakin awesome! We don't use our flourescent lights, so we just have great lights everywhere in our room.
Oh geez I wish I was better at this writing thing. I run out of things to say.

ITS SUCKS

Ok ITS is Messiah's internet service, which forced us to download a program it refuses to acknowledge we downloaded, and now we can't sign on the internet. So I am in the student union, sitting like a loser without a computer and updating my blog. I'm really annoyed. How much money do I spend to go here? Geez, get it together Messiah!
It's alot harder than I thought it would be to keep in touch with my friends. I was really spoiled living down the hall from them all year. Sigh, but I guess that's what happens. And, pretty soon we'll be spread all over the world as we go abroad or across the country, and then we'll really see what it's like to be far away. Hannah might be gone for all of junior year... and I worry what I will do about living situations if she's gone. I want to study abroad one semester next year, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to do it all year long. I want the experience, but I also want to come back and live here... oh well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Ok the boys playing pool are making lewd sexual comments and I'm becoming physically ill. So, I'm going to get this together and go where the testosterone is a little bit lower. Peace.

And back to the drama...

This is such an awful situation. It's just big fat drama and it really doesn't have anything to do with me. Whatever, I'm not gonna repeat the misery of first semester with this girl.
I LOVE MESSIAH!

LBI

We drive in like we own the island
taking over with our good genes and bad attitudes
The boys can't help but stop and stare
at our dangerous curves and heart-stopping smiles
We giggle and say "who can blame 'em"
as we sashay our way down the boulevard.

The ocean moves for us
and the sun won't leave as long as we're worshipping
Glistening like diamonds in the summer
we lie in wait for the love-rays
Salt in the air surrounds our senses
flooding with memories of childhood.

Start running down the beach to meet the sea
we collide with the water in swirling harmony
We tumble about in the pounding surf
and shout out words no one else understands
Secret messages that keep us in sync
we're one big gorgeous jellyfish.

Early morning comes and we pile into boats
we catch crabs we refuse to eat
We may not be sure why we continue
to greet the sun as it peeks over the bay
But we're sure that no family will ever
be closer, sweeter, blonder, gorgeouser. Ever.

We miss the drop-top but we'll settle for a Honda
as long as we're together
Hair done perfectly but windows down
so I say "screw it" and let it flow free
As it swirls and curls I see myself
and I look like the little girl I once was.

The years have changed us and we hardly notice
until we start to talk about times before
We remember a time when no one talked about
boys and makeup, college and careers- families of our own
We smile thinking of children who will grow up here
knowing each corner by heart as we do.

The week ends too soon
we say goodbye and return to life
For just a moment we were children yet again
we remember beauty and joy and love
Promising this year was the best by far
we count the weeks
the days
the minutes
the moments
til we forget again
remember again
laugh again
let go again
be free again

til we return to the shore again.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I guess I'm a grown up

Since I still just don't feel like having a link on my profile, you'll probably just get this if you check it to see if I've updated... which, lets just admit, is a little sad. Speaking of sad, I feel like crying. It's my last week, my last weekend, my last Sunday... I am officially not a new college student. I hate this feeling. It's the same feeling when my parents dropped me off here. Knowing it was right, but longing to cling to what I knew. Aching because all I wanted was for life to stay the same. Now I can't imagine my life without these girls. I can't imagine this first year, the transitions, the sad-tears, the laugh-tears, the 2-hours-of-sleep-cuz-we-just-can't-stop-talking, even the fights and the drama... it's my life now. And here I go again, back into more unknown territory. Unsure of what the next four months hold, wondering if I am doomed to the family room couch, left out countless times- sending me into a tearful nostalgia of last summer. I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready to be the outcast again. Life here is too good, I'm too accepted and loved to go back to being the "girl who once was"... popular, cheerful, happy, secure, hopeful. Will I be stuck with pretending again? If I try to show who I am, will I just be lectured again? I have so many doubts, so many actual fears of this summer. I never thought I would be so desperate to stay in school. I just hope life won't repeat itself... I don't want the sadness I felt last summer. Thank goodness for sisters, and lets hope I'm still welcome in their lives.

Joanna got fat in college! 

GORGEOUS

Spring is inching up to fall as my favorite time of year. Flip flops and capris with a light jacket... perfection. Sitting outside for homework and then spending the whole time talking to your friends instead...simply magical. Spring, thanks for coming, I missed you.
I get to go home Thursday! Yay I miss my family. It'll be so good to see them. I can't believe I'll be done with my freshman year in literally less than a month. And I've officially been 19 for a month, which is... exciting I suppose. Now if only that one little thing would fall into place... hip hip hooray for trusting God. BUT I GUESS HE KNOWS BETTER THAN ME. I GUESS. (((wink)))

Yay for Saturday!

Hmm... not much to report. We're going shopping today for spring fling, it should be fun. The weather is so amazing... I just love it. I'm excited to see my family again next Thursday. I miss them when I'm away. I'm also really gonna miss these girls... everything will be so different next year.
It's hard to convince yourself of something you've discouraged yourself from for so long. Am I willing to put myself on the line again? I'm just not sure...

"When our heart gets broken, it makes us afraid to hope..."

Summer's almost here...

Can you believe it? I'm in such shock! Today is so gorgeous, there's no way you could keep me inside. Except for that one professor who can... cuz I have lab. Doing some kind of Vitamin C titration. Not too excited, to be honest. But life is looking up right now, though I'm not sure why. Maybe just because I've spent time outside admiring God's beautiful creation... soaking in the sun with great friends. Happy happy happy. YAY FOR SPRING!

I like good movies and I hate racism

Saw "Guess Who" tonight with Tam, Jam, Hans and Mrs. Burrows. It was pretty good, pretty funny. Not an Ashton fan, but he was pretty cute in this movie. It kinda made me think alot about racism. I mean, we think we've come so far... and then we realize just how many prejudices actually exist. I hate it and it hurts me, not because I've experienced it. It hurts because when I put my African-American (or Bahamian, or African, or if they would just like to be called black) friends in that place and picture them there, I don't think there would be an end to my fury. I would be really frightened of my own anger. I know it exists... I just hate it.

Back to school, back to school

Hmm... it's actually pretty good to be back! These girls are just so amazing and I missed them! What will I do this summer? Perhaps we'll have visitations lol. Ok, good Easter break. Little cousins were in CT, and they have so much energy! It's crazy to think that I used to be like that haha. Maybe I'll wait juuuust a bit longer to have kids, I don't quite have the patience yet! Had a 20 minute lab, it is a gorgeous day maybe I'll go outside!

Easter morning, I sat with the whole fam in church. During the music, tears started to just pour out of my eyes. I've felt so far from God, so confused by what He's doing in my life. But hearing the words and gazing at the cross just brought me this overwhelming feeling of unworthiness and incredible worth at the same time, that someone would ever love me that much. I adore Him because I am still brought to tears by the thought that He loves me.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea...

Yuck, yesterday was pretty gross too. Lab was fun though, it was so good to have Hannah back in there. We made chili pepper chips and black bean dip, which were really good and everybody liked! But then we also made a strawberry and banana smoothie with tofu... which did not go over as well. Although the cool people liked it.
Do you ever learn about things that you wish with all your heart you had never known? I am keeping so many secrets right now... how long until secrets eat you alive? I can't tell anyone anything and I didn't even ask to be told. The perfect little world I thought I knew has proven to be anything but. I know God will bring me through this time and show me the other side...I guess faith will carry me to that place.
Today has been a blur of classes and The Italian Job. Dinner soon... Larson tonight. Excited to go home. I kinda just want to be at peace...

Mixed Feelings

This weekend has brought alot of mixed feelings from me. I have so much to write about and I hope I don't leave anything out. I went to Eastern this weekend, and I really had so much fun. I met Mike, and kinda scoped him out a little. We hung out and he's got a great sense of humor. We got lost in Philly, Joanna got pulled over for a DUI (totally flirting with her, which we didn't find very funny at all), got delicious cheesesteaks, and then got lost leaving Philly as well. Props to Lauren and Chris for that one. Seriously, good job. We went out with Joanna's friends but also chilled alone for a bit, which was sweet. I felt sick on Saturday, but a nap seemed to make it a little better.
We found out that Caitlin's friend's mom died on Friday. She was like a second mom to Cait. I actually didn't find out until last night, and I just wished I could have been here this weekend to comfort her. I felt so awful, I had nothing to say. I mean, what can you say when something like this happens? It's just so unfair and horrible. So all I could say was I'm sorry. But I mean, she gets to go to the funeral, which is this Friday. It doesn't at all remedy the situation, but I'm glad she could be with people who understand the depth of this loss. Cait, if you're reading this this, I'm always praying for you with this. I'm sooooo soooo sorry.
Today seemed like the longest day in history. It's a sad day so far. Everyone seems to be struggling with something really significant. It's not like, "school sucks" or, "I want to go home." It's real stuff, and it worries me. I think we're all realizing that we aren't going to be together next year, that things are going to change and get muddled and messy. I don't like it either, but some are handling it worse than others, for sure.

Birfday Blues

So my birthday was over break. And... my dear sweet Hannah made a cake for me yesterday. And I know I am the selfishist person ever, but it kinda made me sad. Like, I really spent alot of time on my friend's birthdays and tried really hard to make it special for them. It's so stupid I just felt kinda unimportant. Like being the only one who didnt get a special night. And Tam and Jamie weren't even there. Ok, ignore me lol I'm just being ridiculous.
I'm learning to talk about how I really feel. I'm not scared of what they think anymore. It's ok to say what I mean and get on with my life. I have way to many things ahead to deal with this crap anymore.
I can't wait for summer. I want it so badly. Everything about it lol. EVERYTHING. Except packing up my dorm room. I've acquired so much crap over these months. How will I ever sort it out? I'm also excited to go to Eastern and meet the friends I haven't met and eat Philly cheesesteaks AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I love it. Leave me love, cuz I like to read comments.